Century City
Love & Games

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Six Billion Dollar Eye

Boring Bionic Baseball Case FROM HELL. Bionic Boy waxes unpoetic about the boring beauty of baseball and how he's now better than all those players who were better than him before the surgery. But get this, it's not the BIONIC EYE that makes him better -- he's better because he wants to be. Isn't that a kick in the crotch, though? He also didn't realize the boring beauty of baseball until after his accident, surgery, and recovery. So...he was so bored during rehab that baseball was much more interesting by comparison? Got it. The League's attorney accuses Bionic Boy of trying to destroy baseball with this suit. Objection. Somewhat sustained. The League's attorney asks that if they let Bionic Boy play, where will it stop? Well, apparently with Buck Bokai of the London Kings, right? The League's attorney cites some kid in Tennessee who has lab-grown tendons and muscles that let him run forty-five miles an hour and leap ten feet in the air. Bionic Boy starts to defend himself, but League's attorney asks what he will do if the same kid "gets his arms done" and wonders how Bionic Boy will be able to hit that kid's fastball. Why stop with arms? Maybe the kid will get bionic spit as well, and then, well, there's just no stopping him. See, this is argument is pointless, because Bionic Boy's eye doesn't make him any better than he was -- it makes him exactly the same as before he lost the eye. It's not shouldn't be compared to super-fast Jumping Frog of Calaveras County tendons and muscles that make the kid better than he would have been in his natural state. And we've got Horatio over here sitting there like he's all traumatized by this sudden line of questioning when he should be pointing out that the muscles and eye aren't even in the same...ballpark! ["I think they're trying to draw some sort of parallel to the steroid controversy. Clumsily, needless to say." -- Sars] League's lawyer wonders about the kid who intentionally pokes out his own eye so he can be just like Bionic Boy. You know what I say to that? Someone who pokes their own eye out is either too stupid or too batshit crazy to be allowed within five hundred miles of a stadium full of people. At the end of this line of questioning, everyone, even the music, thinks that the League attorney scored one for the MLB. I definitely agree, but only because the plaintiff was too stupid to object and put an end to it on the grounds that they, and the whole courtroom, were out of order.

Family Court is in session, and we get to watch a tape of the husband and wife getting it on one morning when they are interrupted by an elderly woman entering their room because she couldn't find her glasses. I guess In The Future, everyone has surveillance tapes in every room in their house? That's so Sliver. Darwin the Dick objects to the video because it might have been tampered with. He argues the tampering angle by pointing at Khanita and saying, "There is video of my colleague here having sex with several women at the same time, okay?" Khanita looks slightly perturbed, but I think it's just a phantom spine sensation. "And it was very easy to make," Darwin the Dick concludes. I can't BELIEVE this kind of SHIT is STILL GOING ON IN THE FUTURE AND NO ONE, NOT THE FEMALE JUDGE, NOT THE PEOPLE IN THE COURT, NOT THE COLLEAGUE IN QUESTION, AND NOT EVEN THE VIEWERS ARE SAYING A DAMN THING ABOUT IT! Jesus H. Caviezel! It's not even funny. In fact, it's so fucking insulting that it's presented in a comic way, right down to Khanita's lukewarm look of alarm. Oh, ha-ha, he's talking about making porn videos using the likeness of his colleague, and isn't it amusing that it's even easier to do In The Future? But because it's The Acknowledged Prick of the Show, we're not talking about it being a form of rape or even an invasion of privacy, even IN LIGHT OF LAST WEEK'S EPISODE! As long as the prickness is acknowledged, it's okay, right?

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Century City

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