Century City
Sweet Child Of Mine

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In Defense Of Clones

Los Angeles 2030. The future is implants.

We get a nice view of the still-standing Hollywood sign, but what's this? A behemoth of a hovering spaceship aiming pointy metal sticks and releasing a flood of...bubbles? Oh, it's a holographic videogame that some snot-nosed kid is playing. Whew! I was about to be worried for our future. "That's a scary game," someone breaks in as we see the kid playing in some corporate lobby. "Actually? It's kind of stupid," says the kid. I told you he was snot-nosed. A slim blonde in a slim sleeveless black pants suit walks in and wonders if "Darwin" has read the file on a breach of contract. "No, but I'm sure you did," Darwin responds. "Darwin" turns out to be the boss-jerk from another show I recapped called First Years. He was a lawyer in that as well. Man, talk about being typecast. "I see you as a skanky lawyer always dodging sexual-harassment suits because the women you work with can't resist your crooked smile no matter how many comments you make about the pubic hair garnish on their Diet Cokes." You can't see me, but I'm doing that weird thing with my hands that directors do when they affect to frame a shot without a camera. Anyway, considering his response to the blonde about reading the file, it sounds like not only is he a jerk, but he's a jerk who doesn't do his own homework. Tom Montero, Battorney-at-Law, joins the party and twits Darwin for not being invited to "Hannah's" meeting, before sitting down and showing the kid how to play his holographic videogame. Battorney Montero really gets into the game, bouncing on the couch before he loses the game. "That's stupid," Miss Practically Perfect in Every Blonde Way announces as the "Game Over" disappears. "That's what I said," says the kid. Darwin asks for about the fifth time who the kid is. "We use special rates for kids," Battorney Montero tells the kid, and asks if he's there to see a lawyer. The kid's father is. See, with the whole playing of the videogame and the special rates and the bouncing on the couch, we're supposed to think that Battorney Montero is the nice kind of Peter Pan lawyer who takes time to hang with kids.

In another office, Ira from Ira and Barry's Ice Cream is telling two more lawyers about his problems. ["That would be David Paymer, most recently of Line Of Fire." -- Wing Chun] He's trying to get something back that was confiscated at Customs. Horatio Hornblawyer reads from a paper, "'The vy-al wuz found in a showlder bayg carried bhy subject. Subject vahlinteered that he wuz owner uv the bag and awl contents. Subject demanded the vy-al be returned.'" Oh, no. OH NO -- what is with the accent, Ioan?! Moan. I mean, talk about vy-al. I know some UK actors get around the American accent by putting a southern spin on it but, dudes, I already have one bad southern accent to recap; I don't need another. Especially from so pretty a mouth. Horatio Hornblawyer slides a device the size of an AirPort card over to the middle of the table and presses a flat button. A purple holographic pill spins around. Futuristic Viagra? No, I guess this is a projection of the vy-al in question. The client wants his vy-al back. "That would be an admission that you broke a federal law," the other lawyer in the room reminds him. The client doesn't care about paying the fine or doing a year in prison, he needs the vy-al back. Right about this time, Battorney Montero walks in and expositions himself. "The Congressman," Ira says shaking his hand. "Ex-Congressman," Battorney Montero corrects him. "The people wised up. Is this your boy out here?" Battorney Montero presses a button that makes the opaque white windows in the boardroom become transparent so that they can see into the lobby, where the kid sits swinging his legs. Man, they have better gadgets than Star Trek! I guess in the future, it's still the lawyers and not the government-funded scientists who are making the big bucks. Battorney Montero compliments Ira on his son. "He's my whole life," Ira says, grinning fanatically at Horatio Hornblawyer, who asks again what is in the vy-al. "It's a clone of my son, and if you don't get it back for me, he's going to die," Ira says. Horatio Hornblawyer looks over into the lobby as though the kid might die right then and there.

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Century City

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