All right. You may be saying to yourself right now, "Stee. What the hell did you do to deserve first Road Rules, then The $treet, then Temptation Island, and now most likely the low point in television history, (and that includes Bette), Chains of Love?" I don't know. I really don't. I must have killed puppies or robbed old ladies in a previous life. Someone get me a Ouija board because I obviously have some serious bad juju to work out. I suppose the only good way to look at it is the reality that there is absolutely nowhere to go from here but up. Plus, this is only six episodes. (And I can pretty much fucking guarantee you there ain't going to be no special seventh episode added because the ratings are so good like with TI.) At least there's that. Also, at least shows like this are what's sure to be the downfall of reality television. It's like the retarded kid at school who comes along and insists on playing kickball with you and your friends; you can't say no and you let him play, but pretty soon the game just falls apart.
And a quick disclaimer: after Road Rules I swore I wasn't going to get so wrapped up in recapping everything, but then I did with Temptation Island anyway. Well, I can absolutely guarantee that feeling the need to get every shot and line of dialogue down won't be a problem here. I have better things to do. Like cleaning my toenails.
So we begin. God help us all.
A woman's voice. A shot of Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jerry O'Connell driving his Del Sol drunk on Coronas heading to a beach party at Tara Reid's house. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now the new series Chains of Love shatters the calm as one man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the anger. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection. In tonight's episode, a man chained to four women presses hard to get to know his chain-mates as he strives to find a perfect match." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love." Lord. Here's the funny thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over. Here's the sad thing: someone is getting paid to write that crappy, nonsensical voice-over, and it's not me.