Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: D+ | Grade It Now!
This Show Is The Weakest Link. Goodbye!

Note. Main downfall of this show already clear: there is a whole new cast every week. Great idea, not allowing us to get to know anyone. Brilliant!

MM continues to talk, saying that Andy, a Hollywood stuntman (by "Hollywood" I think they mean "works in the every-fifteen-minutes stunt show on the Universal Studios tour") will move into a house (it's a gorgeous house, I'll give them that) with indoor/outdoor pools and a gourmet kitchen and big bed made for five. Andy talks to us, telling us he's a "stunt guy" and that he's always doing stunts where he falls off tall things. We see shots of him fighting, obviously from some terrible B-movie. He then plays the guitar and says that he likes to go "camping and do all that cliché-ish guy stuff." (Well, I heard something from someone who knows the guy in real life -- that he likes to do more "guy stuff" than just camping, if you follow my drift. Chains of Love has a real crack screening department, I'll tell you.) Motorcycle. Motorcycle riding on valley street. Stopping on the motorcycle. Staring into camera with creepy eyes. He wants someone who can tell him what they want. Here's what I want: a new show.

Now his chain-mates, all four of whom represent "attributes" that Andy says appeal to him. (Ironically, none of the four seems to have a cock.) The first girl walks into the courtyard of the house, saying that it's about the money and getting the guy, but we don't yet know the rules so this means nothing to us. Then again, it'll most likely mean nothing to us even when we do know the rules, so carry on. She is Kerstin and she spells her name funny. She likes "extreme sports," like going shopping at Ross high on speed. She's a "Free Spirit," a graphic tells us. We also get a quote: "If he likes adventure, I'll be there at the end." She tells us that she's a dancer (not a stripper) and that she bikes and rollerblades. She goes on that she's not much of a bad girl. Kerstin looks through the house, searching for a purpose in life, but instead just looks at the view. Meanwhile, Andy rides in a short bus. The girls have all sent him snacks for his trip to try to make a good first impression. Man, two minutes in and already I fucking hate this show. Andy tells us he's not a big cookie fan. Thanks, Andy. At the house, a woman who scares me, catering to Andy's craving for small women, talks in a strange Irish or something accent, saying that she "[rips] in up in the gym and [trains] like an absolute bugger." She is Nicki. Ah, she's Australian, as the Gay Graphic calls her the "Aussie Bodybuilder." Her quote is, "I love to win. I have a body that won't quit." She also has eyes that make my cat think she's found her mommy. She repeats that she likes to work out but that she likes to be feminine when she's out of the gym. She's dated women, she said, so she's open to possibilities. Well, Andy's dated men, so you guys have something to talk about. Nicki shows up at the house. In the short bus, Andy eats and enjoys chocolate-covered strawberries.

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Chains of Love




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