Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: D+ | Grade It Now!
This Show Is The Weakest Link. Goodbye!

Commercials. So much more interesting than the show. Not a good sign. I rewind and watch them again.

MM voice-overs the rules again, saying that how much Andy decides to give each girl as he lets her go reflects what he thinks of her. We get a montage of the show so far, because it's been just that fucking meaningful. Andy talks to the women, saying that he didn't think this would be that hard, but that the person he's letting go, he doesn't feel is willing to express herself and he needs someone who will "go there," whatever that means. (I know what he means, but that's not for public consumption. Well, neither is this show.) He lets Vanessa go. She looks "shocked." The Locksmith waddles up with the key. Andy unchains her. Dramatic Music. He says that he's giving her "five hundred dollars," because he really likes her. She smiles and nods. He goes on that he's also giving her one hundred dollars so she can go to a bookstore and buy a book on "how to release some control." What? Oh, shut the fuck up, stunt-bitch. "I'm sorry that offended you," he says. The Locksmith leads her off. He tells us that he feels bad because he "went somewhere that she wasn't ready for." Short bus. Vanessa being driven away. Ha. They make the Locksmith drive her. Cheap-ass production company. Vanessa says that it was the "shittiest thing anyone has ever said to [her] in [her] life." She goes on that she was trying hard not to cry and that there was no chemistry between them (I wonder why) and she doesn't know why anyone would be so mean. Whatever. Goodbye. Be happy you're done with this show. Lick your wounds. They're going to heal a lot quicker than mine, I'm sure.

They kids leave the dock. It's still raining. Good. They all get on a yacht. MM voice-overs that the girls all realize their time to impress Andy is running out. They eat on the boat. Andy reads from cards. He instructs them to pick a fortune cookie from a bowl and read it. On one side of the fortune will be a dare. On the other will be a secret to reveal. Kerstin is first. She has to either dip Andy's finger in "sauce" and lick it off, or fake an orgasm. Which is the "secret to reveal"? Man, this show can't even play by its own gay rules. Kerstin says that she's really good with "fingers" and "like, really good with licking" so she's going to go for that one. She dips Andy's finger in wine and licks, scraping her teeth along his digit. Ow. I'd kick her off next. Andy says that his mom would not like her to come home to her. Nicki next. She has to either "stand softly and run [her] hands down [his] body" (how does one "stand softly"?) or tell him the meanest thing she's ever done to a man. Predictably, she straddles Andy and indeed runs her hands slowly down his body. She tells him to "work with [her] here." He says he is, and then says he needs a drink. She's done. It's insanely unsexy. Kerstin then says that she likes to cuddle and that it's fun, but that it makes her jealous when she's cuddling with Andy and then he turns to cuddle with one of the other girls. She says she feels like a tramp. She's already jealous? Bad sign. It's a show! It's Andy! Oy, I need to go take a nap. Amy goes on and says she also feels jealous. Amy then tells us that she wants more attention and that she wants to win. Nicki babbles now. (I wonder if she's excited to see the new Crocodile Dundee opus? I'm sure she is.) Nicki says that she's bummed because she's on the outside and she doesn't like to feel unimportant. Andy starts grilling her, saying that she woke up and pretended everything was fine but he would have respected her more if she'd admitted she has low self-esteem. Jigga what? How does that mean she has low self-esteem? Lord, this show. Killing me slowly and softly. Blair Witch noise. Ha. The huge shadow of the huge Locksmith on the outside of the boat. The kids walk outside. Noise, again. The Locksmith shows up, carrying an umbrella. It makes him look a lot less threatening, the notion that the big bad man doesn't want to get wet. The kids come out onto the boat deck and see him. They're unhappy. But I'm happy. Why? Commercials. Whee!

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Chains of Love




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