Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
admin: B | Grade It Now!
Success! Sorta.

So, the ratings are still terrible. Absolutely no one in the press is talking about the show whatsoever, except to lump it in with the worst this season has yet to offer. And I'm getting teased mercilessly for having been picked to recap such a piece of dookie. What is the bright side in all this? Only three more episodes to go. Plus, at least I'm not recapping The Lone Gunmen, as I almost did -- plus The $treet is long gone. Those are things to look at for encouragement, right? Right? Hello? Shit.

And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first two weeks: A woman's voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Ja Rule driving his Range Rover drunk on Mickey's over to Lil Kim's house for some booty action. The woman: "The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility." Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it's made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, "Now in the new series Chains of Love a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day and there is no escape. Witness the joy. The honesty. The revelations." (Man, I love how each week they're just barely changing this opening speech. It's about as half-baked and cheesy as my just barely changing my recap of this opening speech each week. Tit. Tat.) She continues, "And the romantic connection. In tonight's episode, a woman chained to four men shares every word, every action, every feeling as she embarks upon an emotional journey she did not expect." A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. "Hi, I'm Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love" Do you think with each passing week these people hate themselves a little more, or do they get so caught up in making the show that they begin to think of it as good or ground-breaking, or like they're fighting some laudable battle and it's just that the world isn't ready for it yet? In case that's true, lemme wake y'all up here a second: It's not. It's not. And you're not.

So. We meet Jennifer. She's a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and she'll be moving into, yeah, the same nice house. We see her dancing, doing a high kick. She tells us that she's crazy. She'd have to be to still refer to herself as a "professional cheerleader" at age thirty-five. She says that she's not that open with her feelings and she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and needs someone who can keep up. We see the four men picked for having attributes blah blah bleh. One is standing by a pool, one serves drinks, one laughs on some stairs, and one jogs. Yeah, Jennifer has well-rounded tastes, that one.

First guy. Pool guy. He looks just like the gay dude from Melrose Place, but with darker hair. He stands in the house courtyard and looks around, voice-overing that he's going to be himself, and if she likes that he'll be picked and yeah, we know. That's what all you fuckers say, and then you start to change, man. You all change. I don't even know you guys anymore. Jennifer then tells us that "he" better not tell her what to do -- that doesn't fly with her. The guys says he wants someone aggressive who goes after her passion. His name is David -- the "All-American," reads the graphic. His quote: "Girls want me because I'm marriage material." He continues to talk, saying that he's "determined." To prove that he's determined, he informs us that he played baseball, football, and swam in college. Wow! At first I doubted his determination, but now I'm sold! He goes on to show how determined he is to fuck up the English language by saying, "Competing helps me to really feel who I am." Well said.

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Chains of Love




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