Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B | Grade It Now!
Success! Sorta.

Jennifer gets on the short bus and this time, instead of getting presents, she listens to pre-recorded messages from each of the four guys. One guy says that he doesn't like a lot of drama and that he just tries to live his life. "Thank god," says the emotionally unavailable cheerleader.

A new guy who looks like Ed from Ed walks through the house, marveling. He dumb-overs that he's competitive but will not play dirty, and that he's addicted to some guy named Jim. Oh, no, he's addicted to the gym. Never mind. Jennifer tells us that she likes guys with nice bodies. Ed's name turns out to be Clinton. He's the "Bashful Bartender" and his quote is, "They say nice guys finish last, not this time." His smile takes up half of my TV screen. This show takes up half my life. He says that he's a nice person and goes on that he has "a lot of energy and a lot of positive energy." Linguists, these guys. He serves drinks as he tells us that maybe he'll meet the girl of his dreams. On this show? Clinton and David greet each other. "Wow," they say, talking about how cute the other one is, or about the house.

Meanwhile, in the short bus, Jennifer hears someone tell her that they hope she's everything they want, and also hope that they're everything she wants. I just hope you could follow that sentence.

Some odd-looking hick walks through the house. He chaws that he will be "Mr. Charming" or do whatever it takes. "Better watch out!" he yodels. Jennifer says that she likes to go and be outdoors. The hillbilly says that he is an outdoorsman. We learn that his name is Wade and he's a "Country Boy." He's also pretty creepy-looking. His quote: "I've got an easy charm the ladies love." Now he's even creepier. He continues that people like the "Southern thing" and seem to open up easily to him. He boxes at the camera. He then says, "It is bawks, crawls, or digs holes, it's good enough for me." I have no idea what he's talking about but, man. I haven't seen a neck that red since my Irish cousin Liam fell asleep on his stomach at the beach in Malibu. Wade arrives and greets the other guys.

In the short bus, Jennifer listens to Wade say he grew up on a chicken farm in Arkansas. It sounds like she says that's "frightening."

New guy. Jumping on the five-person bed. He voice-overs something about competition isn't pretty and it makes you harsh and that he's a sweet guy. Jennifer tells us that she's looking for someone cool and good-looking and fun. Some guy in a ski hat and big coat who looks like Marky Mark tells us that he's goofy and says, "I'm an okay-looking kid," in a way that makes you know he's loves the fuck out of his looks. His name is Chris, and he's the "Trouble Maker." His quote: "I'll make her love me or hate me." Good tactic. He says that he likes to have fun. We see him playing Connect Four, alone. Pretty sneaky, Chris. He says that he has to get out his stories and that he has a lot to say. He says that if people don't like that, they're going to have "issues." I have many issues, but most arise from me having to work on this crap-ass show. I need a beverage.

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Chains of Love




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