Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B | Grade It Now!
Success! Sorta.

They arrive at home, and the Locksmith shows up. Tension. Tension. Whatever. The kids do that terrible acting they're forced to do when they have to pretend they're upset and surprised. It's indeed my favorite part of the show. Wait, no. Second favorite part. First favorite part: commercials. Sweet.

MM recaps the Locksmith arriving, saying that this means someone has to go, and she quickly goes through the four guys and repeats that the gone guy will get some money and blah blah blah black-corn-cakes.

Courtyard. Jennifer says that the person she's decided to release, she doesn't feel like they connected, and she also feels that this person is acting at an immature level. It's Clinton. Dramatic music! He nods as he's unchained and given only five hundred dollars. They hug, and he's dragged away for some ass-beatings by the Locksmith. Jennifer says that she didn't feel like Clinton was honest with his feelings, whatever the fuck she's talking about. Clinton is being driven away, saying that he was disappointed that he didn't have more chemistry with Jennifer. Jennifer now. She says that on a "human" level, she didn't think they would click. Clinton is disappointed with the five hundred dollars because Jennifer spent more time asking the other guys questions. Jennifer whores that Clinton is not someone she'd want to spend much time with. The Locksmith drives on. Clinton says that Jennifer having the opinions she did, she obviously didn't do enough homework on him. Yeah, buh-bye.

House. Wade tells us that he thought Clinton would be Last Man Standing, and Chris then tells us that Clinton was his biggest competition. Man, someone in Malibu needs to go up and bitch-slap him right now. Anyone. Wade then says he has no idea why he's still there, and offers that maybe it's the new deodorant he's wearing. Ha. David says something that I'm not listening to.

Short bus. MM slut-overs that since Jennifer talked about spirituality being important to her, they're taking them all to a cemetery. The kids realize where they're going and say they're creeped out. Jennifer says that she doesn't deal with death well. Great choice, Chains, she hates it. And how the hell would it have anything to do with spirituality, anyway? The kids all get out and feign surprise again: "Woah!" MM no-talent-overs that the kids stumble across "renowned psychic Sherri Mancuso" (spelling approximate because I don't care enough to look it up), and we indeed see them come to a clearing with candles and a woman who looks like Sharon Osbourne. As the kids sit down, MM lies that Sherri has only been given names, photos, and birth dates of the kids, and then some dude waves some shit around to "protect the circle" against outside environments. Y'all know I'm very close to throwing my laptop out the window, right? Yeah? Okay, good.

So now The Music of Suck My Cock Sherri Mancuso starts as Sherri begins with Wade, telling him that he's been depressed for about two years and that "her guides" have told her he's trying to find himself. "Yeah," he says. Wow, I'm hooked! And impressed! Sherri reads the next cue card, saying, "Chris, you remind me of a little leprechaun, hopping around from place to place with nowhere to go…" She goes on that he's trying to find some balance, and in relationships he gets bored and needs someone who's as eccentric as he is. Chris laughs. I cry. She asks if David has a brother (he does) and she says, "You're like twins," and David corrects her, "We're complete opposites." She doesn't hear and doesn't miss a beat, saying that they're very close. Hee. She says that his brother is going to be okay and is going through a difficult period. Sherri then checks her next lines and tells Jennifer that, even before she arrived on set, she picked up a lot of sadness and "a death" surrounding Jennifer. She "guesses" that a male died angry in her life, and Jennifer nods and tears up; Sherri scares her by saying that he's still angry. Sherri walks close and tells Jennifer that he loved her and that she blamed herself. "Yeah," whispers Jennifer, doing some of her best acting since she played the Cobra in "Riki Tiki Tavi" in the fourth grade. Sherri puts her hand on Jennifer and says that if she can give any closure to her, she will. Sherri's DT-shaking hand reaches out and tries to wipe a tear from Jennifer's puffy cheek but just sort of hits air. Sherri needs a cigarette. So do I. Sherri walks away, and as the kids sit, the Locksmith shows up from behind them, walking through the fog. The kids act surprised again. Jennifer with her sweaty face. Commercials. My cat slaps me twice. I'm not kidding. Goddamn.

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Chains of Love




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