So UPN just announced their fall line-up and, shocker, Chains of Love will not be back. Let’s all give a collective "thank you" to the programming gods.
Episode Five. Only one more after this. Man, that’s some cool shit. I mean, yes, this is still going to be a terrible few hours, but the notion that it’s almost over is enough to make me not stick my arm in the fan. But there’s this: I was all excited today to buy three new albums that just came out -- Weezer, REM, and Tool -- and listen to those tonight, but then I remembered Chains of Love was on and I figured, “Of course. Of fucking course Chains would ruin one of the most exciting rock music release dates for me in recent history.” Thanks a lot, Chains. Just for that, you’re grounded. This is going to be the shortest recap yet, I swear. I hope. I…I’ll try.
So yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A woman’s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Robert Blake driving his Toyota pick up with a .45 in one hand and Gary Busey’s phone number in the other. The woman: “Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure.” Rock and roll! Shots that look like left over footage from Blind Date! Oops, it’s made by the same shitty production company…you know what? I’m not going to do this again. Remember, Chains is being punished. So fuck the opening. It’s the same anyway. All you need to know is that this week a college student named Jenny -- who looks a little bit like, well, she looks like this porn star who’s name I don’t remember…not that I watch porn or anything -- she’ll be chained to four dipshits. They’ll live in the house. They’ve picked four guys for her. This show hurts so much that I’m now eating Skittles like Matthew Perry eats Vicodin.
Jenny says that she’s funny or “at least” entertaining. She plays the guitar. There is really nothing more annoying than someone who plays the guitar and isn’t actually in a very good band. I think if anyone wants to play the guitar, great, but don’t make me listen to how you figured out the opening to “Tonight, Tonight.” If I wanted to hear that song I’d put the CD on, okay? Thanks. Jenny says that she likes hot guys, and she’s not going to “go out and look for someone unattractive just for the sake of it, you know?” Wow. That’s…I guess you have to admire someone for being so honest and open about their shallow nature. You’ll always have that, Jenny.