Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
Moron than off

I fucking love how K-Mart is trying to all hip up their image. It’s like The National Prune Council doing rap commercials. “Prunes, they’re the shit!”

We’re back. I know, I’m sorry. Jenny tells us that the date was beautiful and they got to know each other. We see Kristian lying in the grass, spitting out streams of water. That’s class. She says that there is more of a physical connection with Kristian, but she likes Adam more. Oh, poor Adam. All not getting picked already and shit. She says that she’s a bit nervous about her date with Kristian because she doesn’t trust him. While she’s talking, Kristian is just staring right at her and reading her lips, despite having the headphones on. Fucking cheater.

Now for Kristian’s date. “Sensual Massage” and “Champagne Sunset.” They go into the same pimp room as all the dates on this show, where Jenny lies down on a table and Kristian rubs mud on her. Adam stares off into the distance, as Jenny tells us that the mud made her nervous. Kristian is making hearts with mud and drawing their initials on her back; he’s a six-year-old girl. Jenny says the mud was a test and it was “cute.” Adam blahs on about romance and how he is more in tune with what Jenny likes, and seriously, if Adam would just shut up, the disdain would not reach him. As it stands, I’m starting to hate him and his ass face. Jenny guesses that Kristian is drawing a “keg” on her back. Hee. Now dinner is being served on the balcony, and Kristian babbles about now having actual feelings for Jenny. Jenny stares into Kristian’s eyes and she looks genuinely sprung, and with that, we are all allowed -- she has given us permission -- to unabashedly hate her fucking guts. She lies, speaking from her pussy, that she thinks Kristian is hard on the outside but “squishy” inside. Yeah, that’s what she needs to believe -- that she can somehow bring it out of him. Kristian says, laughing, “You remember how when we first met, I thought you were so cute. I did.” Jenny is smiling and blushing like he just read some sonnets he wrote for her. Kristian then laughingly tells us that he gave it his all at dinner and he was surprised she didn’t give in and kiss him then. He feeds her and then kisses her on the cheek when she bites, and Jenny says, “Slick.” She then tells us that she likes him and says it feels good when he touches her. And now they go into full-on puke mode as he starts babbling about her eyes and her smile, and she’s not smiling, then smiling, then saying, “Are you serious?” and then they’re both giggling hysterically and it is here where I seriously want to drive down to the production offices and demand that they give me the last three hours of my life back. (Or at least a writing job, you know, if you guys can’t do the hours thing.) Jenny then yells at Kristian that she doesn’t believe him because he’s changed in like “sixty seconds.” Adam laughs and predicts that Kristian is next to go. Kristian grabs her shoulder and says, “Has anybody ever told you you look Italian?” She says yes. As they’re talking about where they’re going to go together on their trip to Italy, the Locksmith strolls in. Acting! I love it! Jenny “sees” him and goes, “Oh noooooooooo.” They don’t even bother with Kristian and Adam. Good call.

Jenny now gives each boy ten seconds to plead his case. Kristian says, “Jenny, you’ve earned my trust,” hands her a little heart locket, and kisses her forehead. What? She earned his trust? I don’t think that’s what he meant, but oh well. Adam say he likes being with her and that’s very important to him. Wow. That was stunning, Adam. Here’s a gun so you can shoot yourself in the foot directly now. Jenny says that she had a connection with this guy, but “the game is called Chains of Love, not Chains of Friendship” -- oooh, diss -- and so she’s releasing Adam. He looks bummed. Now comes the big diss. Jenny says that since Adam claimed he came into this game not wanting any money, she’s going to hold him to his word and not give him shit. Goddamn, that’s fucked up right there! She says that she hopes her friendship is enough. Word. He walks away, and Kristian laughs. Jenny laughs crazy hard. What a bitch. Seriously. I mean, it’s funny but really lowdown. Snake mean. But smart. I don’t know. Anyway, Jenny and Kristian both laugh audibly as Adam pouts off. Kristian says that he loved the way Jenny used Adam’s own words “to haunt him in the end.” Kristian don’t speak so good, do he?

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Chains of Love




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