Chains of Love
Jenny

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Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Moron than off

So a guy walks into the courtyard and he talks, and his voice sounds like gravel rubbing against gravel. Jack Klugman has more resonance to his voice than this guy. Jenny then tells us that she’s “Latin,” so she needs her guys to be “manly.” If one more person calls themselves “Latin” on this show, I’m going to personally hunt down Jennifer Lopez and make her watch all six episodes on loop until she renounces her culture forever. Anyway, the guy. He sucks. His name is Kristian (what a name) and he’s a “Tough Guy.” His quote: “I am the total package.” Okay, they’re so just making these “quotes” up, because about seven people have said they’re the total package so far. Have any of you ever referred to yourself as a total package? “Total tool,” I understand. “Look totally gay in that hat,” I can buy, but “total package”? Anyway. He goes on to say that his ideal night is to “kick back by a keg, or something.” I’m not making this up. He says that he likes to fight, and we see him in the rain, smoking a cigarette all glumly. Enough not to make me ever want to smoke ever again, this guy. Lady smoking through the hole in her neck, fine. But Kristian sulking over a Kool, no way. So he walks into the house and says it’s cool.

Meanwhile, Jenny rides in the short bus and looks at self-portraits the guys have all drawn of themselves. The first guy is “homeboyish.”

A slightly dorkier guy with thick eyebrows walks into the house holding flowers. He says he’s going to just be himself and be nice to the other guys. Jenny says she wants her man to be a gentleman. Adam is a “Hopeless Romantic.” His quote: “I know how to make a woman feel special.” Adam holds a soccer ball on a field and frowns very hard at the camera. Somehow the words “hopeless” and “special” seem quite appropriate to him right now. He says that, because he went to Duke, that means he must be smart. One of his huge eyebrows raises so high on this line that I think it’s going to fly off his head and start circling the lamp. He insinuates that he’s never had a girlfriend. He sees Kristian, and they sniff each other.

Jenny looks at a drawing where the guy has his hand over his face.

A member of Color Me Badd walks into the house, dripping hair gel on his gold chain, cut-off shirt, and unfinished bicep tattoos. The guy says he’s playing to win, but not lose. Jenny says a good dancer is fun. We see him dance. He’s not a good dancer. His name is Slim and he is “Mister Flash.” The quote: “I care about my looks and it shows.” Sure, he’s about seven years to late for his look, but I’m sure he does care very very much. Too bad no one else does. He tells us that “they call me Slim” and he says that he’s a “goofball, a cheeseball.” We see him fall off a raft in a pool. So funny. I’m hooked. Give this guy a sitcom. Actually, for the UPN, that wouldn’t be falling much lower than their current programming. He says he can make us laugh and that he’s crazy. Slim meets the other two guys.

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Chains of Love

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