Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
Moron than off

Bedroom. Jenny again tells us that she’s never been chained up to four guys before, and that they all started sweet but their true natures are starting to come out. Darkness. Fast-motion infrared cam. Kristian is curled up on Jenny. Slim keeps curling up to Adam. I’m not kidding. Man, I need a cigarette, and a nap, and a new show, in that order.

Ah, sweet comm-- No! No commercials! Ah, this is where we’re supposed to get commercials! I fucking hate you, show.

Morning. They wake up. Brush teeth. MM voice-overs that they get solo bathroom breaks all through the day. I still think they should have to poo in front of each other. That would be a show. Breakfast. Kristian says that he almost hit Slim because he was snoring so loud. Everyone agrees. Jenny is mad. Kristian, the tool that he is, does a shot of tequila. He says, “That was disgusting.” God.

Short bus. Kristian asks how many guys Jenny has slept with and she says, “No comment.” Kristian then asks Slim how many guys he’s slept with, and he says, “There was that one crazy night with your dad.” Okay, that might be the funniest thing Slim has ever said. Congratulations.

The kids go bowling. It’s a bowling Truth or Dare game. Man, how does this show keep coming up with such inventive shit? Bowling. Bowling. Slim has to tongue-kiss the thumb hole of his ball. He does it. Adam looks repulsed and intrigued. Man, I even hate putting my thumb in the hole with all the germs. I hope Slim gets a staph infection or something. Jenny says that Slim’s kiss was “sick!” It was. Kristian next has to demonstrate his favorite sexual position on Chris. Kristian bends Chris over and humps him. Ick. Someone bowls and falls. Jenny has to lick Kristian’s ear. Slim bowls with no pants. The whole bowling alley gets to see just why they call him Slim. More bowling montage. Fun. Bowling. Fun. Bowling. “Suddenly,” the Locksmith shows up, straddling two lanes. Hee. This is my favorite part. The acting! The acting. Chris acts. Jenny acts. Slim acts. Adam acts. Shock, all around. Depression. Locksmith. A voice yells, “Someone is out the door.” The Locksmith. The logo. The commercials. The fixing myself a stiff drink.

We’re back. Man, I would have loved to see the Locksmith all waddling down the lanes, slipping and sliding. They freak out when you step over the line at bowling alleys -- how the hell are they going to let a four-hundred-pound Samoan walk down their lanes? So the acting continues, as Kristian acts all scared. MM voice-overs about how the boys all showed their best and worst sides over the twenty-four hours, and we get a montage, and then a close-up of someone throwing a strike, and then it’s time for Jenny to decide. She says the person she’s releasing is not a confident, secure man, and it’s Slim. Ha. Slim glowers. Jenny gives him two hundred dollars, which she thinks is more than he deserves. Diss. Homeboy looks like he's about to cry, as he’s escorted through a walkway behind the alleys out to the Short Bus of Rejection. Jenny bitch-overs that she didn’t mean to make anyone feel bad but it’s part of the game. One has to admire Jenny’s shit-talking abilities; she did it right to Slim’s face. And also she has at least a little taste in getting rid of Slim. Slim voice-overs that it hurts, especially because he opened up. Oh, right, he cried. Hee. Eh, just pour on layers of gel and jewelry and those pesky emotions will stay safely buried so no one can touch you. Don’t worry about it. Jenny says Slim thinks he’s confident but he's not. Slim bitches about the two hundred dollars and says, “You know what, keep your money. I don’t need your damn pity.” Yeah, but I don’t see him giving back the money. Jenny thinks the money was fair. Slim frowns, the fat boy securely tucked away. He says that he’s glad he was the first one to go. “I don’t have to be subjected to these…frickin’ idiots.” Ha. Goodbye, Chunk. Don’t let the multiple layers of thinly-veiled insecurity hit you on the way out.

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Chains of Love




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