Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
Moron than off

Night. House. The kids eat dinner outside, toasting to Slim being gone. Thass fucked up. Kristian says he was “definitely stoked” that Slim is gone and that he can now “spend a lot more of attention [sic] on Jenny.” Kristian leans over and says, “Did I ever tell you that pink is my favorite color.” Jenny asks him why he laughs when he gives a compliment. Kristian has no reaction, so he just smiles his pretty smile and Jenny goes into convulsions. He’d be a good deaf-mute. Knowing this, Adam says he’ll turn away and give Kristian a minute to spit game to Jenny. And what follows is the funniest moment in Chains history. Kristian touches Jenny’s face, and she tries so hard to ignore the words and just stare at the face. And Kristian says, “Jenny, everything I’ve ever…looked in a girl…I think you…beautiful teeth…sexy hair…” At this point they show Adam cracking up, and Jenny tries so hard not to. Kristian then hysterically tells us, his dead black eyes making my cat run into the next room from all the evil, “I definitely let Jenny see my romantic side.” Goddamn, that’s funny. Jenny then tells us that Kristian did not come off as sincere. Adam says there is no chance of Kristian and Jenny going out.

Table. It’s Adam’s turn. He very clearly tells Jenny that he thinks they connect, but then he too starts stumbling, saying something about sexy and then sexy but not sex and then there’s passion and there’s romance and just smiling and having fun which is also sexy. Man. A couple of Casanovas here. I used to throw better lines at Martha Brewster in fourth grade. I just said something about the way she played four-square, and the girl was hooked. It’s now Chris’s turn, but he says he’ll be silent for now. Probably a good move, dude. Jenny then tells us that Chris doesn’t seem like he puts much effort into the girl he dates.

Now Jenny gives each boy one slow dance, and Adam is first. He tells us that he thinks Jenny is into him in a romantic way. I’m starting to see him as the geek who works in the computer lab. Chris now dances. Jenny compliments his shirt. Chris lies, saying that he thinks Jenny likes his humor and they’re on the same “wavelength.” Now a voice from the grave speaks -- oh, it’s just the always-ill-sounding Kristian. He croaks that he danced -- we see -- and Jenny saved the best for last and his dance was much different than the others. Adam talks about how his dance was the best, and suddenly his gigantic eyebrows leap off my television screen and start chasing my cat around the apartment.

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Chains of Love




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