Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B- | Grade It Now!
Free from the Chains

Sweet commercials. Come to me…oh, over already. You were wonderful. I’ll miss you. Return soon.

Bar. John babbles to us and says that the three other girls lost points in dissing Jeannie. What? They were just asked to give their honest…oh shut up, John. I know it works for you acting like the above-it-all camp counselor, but taking away girls’ right to be catty is like taking away an L.A. model-slash-whatever’s right to get her boobs done. So now Jeannie talks, slutting that she’s all choked up and always gets shit from other girls. Now the ever-so Courteney-Cox-looking Danielle says, “I said in the interview when I watched the tape that Jeannie wasn’t competition because…she’s Oriental, for one!” Goddamn! This show keeps getting…okay, well, it always sucks, but they occasionally bust out with a keeper line like that one. What a dumb shit, that Danielle. Anyway, John says that he senses cattiness, which makes it fun for him. Good man.

Kitchen. Now the kids make pizza; Natalie, half of her face looking paralyzed when she talks, says that John has a “scruffy cuteness.” Danielle then says she’d date John in real life. The kids drink wine as Kim tells us that she likes John. Now the talking continues, as the kids all say that good dancers and good kissers make good lovers. Danielle starts to steal focus, the other girls say, as she tells John what a bad kiss is. Jeannie says something, and Danielle says something back. John laughs. Danielle says her friend is a good kisser, and then says something about the brother rubbing her leg, and then she grabs her hair and says, “My only threesome.” That was a good story; tell that one again. Ha, John says, “That’s a good story.” Funny. Danielle doesn’t get it and goes on about good kissers being good in bed and vice versa. Danielle is on massive amounts of coke, people. Kim then says something, but I don’t care. Same with Natalie. They’re dissing Danielle, that’s all. The kids all toast and lie, “Friends.” Yes, fast friends.

Dinner. John says Kim is his favorite because she’s hanging back and playing it cool. Kim then tells us she’s not going to push herself on John, but she’ll have fun. Whatever, I just know what’s coming up…

Aw, yeah. The girls (plus John) walk to the hot tub in their bathing suits. Chains of Love’s consistently finest moment. Well, except when there are four guys. I mean, you know what I mean. John sees someone’s tattoo, and man, are Jeannie’s titties fake! She shows us a tattoo on her butt. Natalie then shows a tattoo on her pussy. Yeah, “innocent,” my labia. Kim shows us her ass crack. John then asks the girls if they’ve been naked in front of strangers. (Read: “Are any of you strippers or whores?”) Natalie answers that she’s been naked one time at a strip club when she got up and got naked. Jeannie looks appalled. Yeah, but just because she knows a great place where Natalie could actually get paid to do that, and the tips are great if you work the right shifts. They’ll talk later. John says, “I respect that.” Yeah, so do I, John. So do I. NostraNatalie whores something about her and Danielle being the most John’s type. Dude, my mom has no idea what my type is. How can someone who’s known someone for six hours make that kind of call? John then asks Danielle what the bitchiest thing she’s ever done is. She can’t think of anything, and giggles madly as she tells us just that. John then tells us that he had a hard time swallowing that she couldn’t remember a bitchy moment. Danielle almost shorts out the overhead production lights and kills them all as she flips her wet hair around. Wow, that would have been a shame. John then asks Kim something about what, if anything, turns Kim on about him. They joke about his big biceps, and Kim responds something that sounds like his “quirky demeanor,” but she might have been reciting her social security number for all I can make out with that stupid accent. It’s totally fake, you know. Yeah, I read it somewhere. Kim predicts that it’s anyone’s game.

Jeannie then answers that she cries all the time and that she did today when she got her ass shit-talked. John says he knew she cried, all aggressive. Natalie hugs Jeannie as John tells us that Jeannie has some front that she likes to show people, which he’s trying to work around. Jeannie then sluts that people don’t like her and judge her based on appearance, but she has no idea why. Um, I’ll give you two hints. Look. Down. There you go. Jeannie then says she's a perfectionist, which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with this conversation, and then tells us that she feels like she doesn’t belong here. Now Jeannie is crying, and The Music Of John’s Repressed Laughter plays as she tarts something about talking shit personally. Danielle smiles at us and says that she thinks Jeannie is “emotionally unstable.” We see that Natalie is now crying in sympathy, and Natalie says they have a connection, and John now says the girls found Jeannie “too made-up,” and John then says the hot tub was powerful. Now everyone toasts and drinks.

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Chains of Love




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