Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B- | Grade It Now!
Free from the Chains

So kids stand on the deck and John talks, saying the person he’s booting and he never connected and is too materialistic. It’s Jeannie. He gives her seven hundred and fifty dollars to buy a lifetime supply of seasickness pills. Okay. John has to realize how totally unfunny that was. Maybe you should stick to lawyering, brother. Jeannie takes off on a boat with the Locksmith, and between his bulk and her boobies, the boat immediately sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

The ghost of the Locksmith and Jeannie walk to the short bus now, Jeannie saying that if there’s no chemistry, there just isn’t. John tells us she’s “hardcore materialistic.” Jeannie in turn tell us she doesn’t know where he gets that; then she asks the Locksmith if he owns this jeep or if it’s the show’s. She says she didn’t click with anyone, and disappears down the road. So long.

House. Night. Hot tub. John asks Natalie if she likes getting spanked. She says yes, and that sometimes she likes a “smack on the ass.” John then says, “Come on, sisters. Let’s kick it up.” Natalie then bends over, and he and Kim spank her very poorly. I know you guys are chained, but bad technique, people. Really. John then tool-overs that Natalie is not so sweet and innocent. Uh, did the pussy tattoo tell you nothing, John? Natalie then tells us that when she drinks too much, she gets too aggressive, and she doesn’t want John to think she’s a freak. We see her drink a lot, and then John pretty much cuts her off, saying they’re ready for bed.

The kids brush their teeth and Kim tells us he wants both girls. John then makes an “apple and oranges” analogy and says that he doesn’t know who he should pick. They go to sleep. Fast-motion infrared cam. John’s ass is on Natalie, but that’s about it.

Morning. Natalie says they slept close together but she doesn’t know why. John says he likes Natalie, but Kim’s approach is interesting to him. Kim then says that she’d decline if John wanted a relationship (Blair Witch noise!) and that she’s just playing to win.

They eat breakfast, and MM comes out onto the balcony, and they all try not to laugh as she recites her lines like a zombie about the two upcoming dates and the long chain the third will be on and blah blah blah out-of-workcakes.

John and Kim date first. John says he’s still wondering if he’s going to ever see a vibe between them. Kim’s date is a “Romantic Picnic” and “Paddle Boats.” They boat first, and John tells Kim about a romantic date he had. Kim tells us she’s “reeling him in” like a fish. Natalie says that Kim is “huge competition” for her as they all walk along the lake, Kim saying something about John being a “bad boy.” I don’t even think John is listening anymore. Kim says they are having fun on their date. Lie. It’s time for the picnic, and they sit and eat and have terrible conversation. They feed each other, and then Kim asks about their energy, and John lies that it’s good. Kim looks about as excited as if she cutting her toenails as John says he likes her the best. They kiss. John says the kiss was good. I’ve seen porn stars on heroin fake attraction better. Kim then tells us that it was a like a “kiss between friends,” and Natalie says that she thinks if he had to choose right now, he’d pick Kim, so her date tonight is important, and as we slide into commercials I realize I’ve become numb to this show and it could go on now for the rest of the year and I’d feel nothing and why did it take me until this last one for this to happen? I just hope it sticks around until Road Rules starts. Really. I’m going to need help for that one. Oh, and Temptation Island II. Lord almighty.

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Chains of Love




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