Chains of Love
John

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Free from the Chains

House. John, with Natalie in his lap, is babbling about him and Natalie having more similar backgrounds that the others, and then Natalie says she knew there was a connection from the beginning. John agrees. They say shit about no matter how much Gucci someone wears and what their accent sounds like, you don’t want to hang out with them, and suddenly it’s as if John is, like, talking to Janeane Garofalo instead of, no offense, but, uh, Natalie. They drink wine and kiss on the side of the mouth.

Pool. Now they get into the pool, and Natalie has her top off as they slide in. Yeah. Stripped once. John starts talking out of his ass to us, saying that Natalie is sweet and has a “curiosity about life.” Oh, c’mon, John. Life is short. Don’t waste our time. Just say, “I want very much to touch her pussy.” It’s easy and freeing, the truth. They kiss in the pool as Natalie says she would date John. They kiss more, and John says something about not being able to say no to her.

Bedroom. They get in bed, and they both keep voice-overing about liking the other, and then it’s night and we get the always-priceless pillow-talk:

Natalie: What a great date…
John: It did get cut short.
Natalie: That’s good in a way…we can spend the evening kissing…I’m happy you’re here…
John: You’re a great kisser.

One of the greatest romances of our time. John and Natalie. I weep through the commercials, certain I’ll never know a love like theirs.

Morning. The alarm. They brush their teeth. Natalie again says she feels a connection. They pack as MM voice-overs about if John wants to pursue a blah blah bloo. They eat breakfast, and John voice-overs about the erotic nature of last night. Natalie says John showed his sexual side. I’m hungry and have to go shopping soon. I also need to pay rent and I have to call Mom. And man, that plant doesn’t look like it’s doing so well. I really should water it. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Right. Chains of Love. Very well, then.

Distant bell. Ritual room. My cat licks me, thanking me very very much that this is the last one. I inform her that soon there will be another show, and she bites me on the head and runs into the closet to sulk. Natalie and John meet MM and John unchains them, saying, “Don’t know if I want to do this.” I do. You do. John talks now, saying that the last four days have been fun and they connected physically, but basically he’s looking for someone “further along” and with whom he connects with more on an “intellectual level.” Diss, diss, and diss. Natalie just keeps nodding and saying, “Mm-hm.” John says he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with her. He then gives her three thousand dollars because he likes her more than the other girls combined, and also because if she was just playing the game, she deserves it. Natalie could save face and make it look like she was, but she continues to pout. Aw. MM boots the bitch, and she leaves.

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Chains of Love

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