Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

Bed. The kids get into it as Jane tells us that what James did with Alma was “very sweet and very nice,” and that he’s more attractive to her now. Tammy then loses many points with me, the guy whose opinion doesn’t matter to her in this game, when she talks in her faux-passionate voice about Alma reacting like it was Christmas Day and that’s why Tammy herself got so emotional. Tomas tells us that the competition is even right now. Fast-motion infrared cam of the night. Nothing really happens. Story of this show’s life.

As I watch the fast-motion camera in slo-mo, my cat calls my old job and tries to get me rehired.

Morning. The alarm. I hate that sound in my life, why do I want it on my TV shows? There’s a terrible sound edit of Tomas saying, “Anyone hungry?” as we see the three kids on the balcony, having already eaten. MM shows up, and they all faux smile at her. I wish I could faux recap this show. The only good thing about my life at this moment is that there is a fresh pot of coffee waiting for me in the kitchen…shit, I forgot to turn it on. So scratch that -- there is nothing good about my life at this moment. MM says that they’re going on dates, and by now we know and/or don’t care about the deal with the dates. Jane and Tomas will be “Lost In Paradise,” she says. “Wow,” says Tomas. “Feh,” says my cat. “Kill me,” says Stee. MM says that Tammy will have the opportunity to “bring Tomas into the world of the senses.” Tammy doesn’t say anything, so Tomas says, “Ooh,” and then they all laugh. Even these three numbskulls are making fun of MM and she doesn’t even know it. MM says that it’s a beautiful day (an ad-lib!) and to have fun.

The beach. Some rocky, craggy, terrible beach. A high-school drama crew has erected a five-by-five hut on a old medical-waste dumping ground. A production company temp in a sarong gives Tomas and Jane drinks and welcomes them to paradise, then leads Tammy on her longer chain away from the ghetto hut. Hee: to complete the paradise effect, there is a little sign stuck in the sand that reads, “Paradise.” Fucking hell, this show is cheap. My weekly Skittles budget is larger than the show’s. Jane and Tomas strip down to their bathing suits as Jane dumb-overs that she’s playing the game but she’s also? Getting to know Tomas? As a person? She wears two pieces of Glide floss as a suit. Tomas tells us that immediately they “[made] up for lost time.” And that’s the terrible thing; I will never get this lost time back. At the end of my life, I will have logged a few months total of watching bad reality television. Months I could have been loving someone or going on a trip or learning a new language. That’s the tragedy right there. Tomas and Jane sun themselves as Tomas babbles on about how the more things two people have in common, the better for their relationship. Oprah, here’s your new Dr. Phil right here. Genius. Tomas then segues into saying he’s become more attracted to Jane now that he can see her labia. No, he says that now they have discovered they have common ground. Tammy then says something I don’t understand about how there was no substance to Tomas and Jane’s conversation (that part I understand, believe me), but then she says she wanted to whip out a violin and go “back and forth.” Chalk it up to sunstroke. Or, well, yeah, the fact that she’s very very stupid. We get a shot of them holding hands on the beach, then sitting by the water. Jane tells us that the date was good, and they both recount the fact that Jane looks like some chick who dumped Tomas. We get it. Why do you not get that we don’t care? As they hold hands and look out at the water, the cameraman pretty much just sticks the lens inside Jane's ass. Jane tells us that she hopes she doesn’t hurt him as his previous chick did.

Short bus. They talk to each other like the emotionless robots they are, saying what a great date it was but looking like they’re discussing grouting. Jane then tells us that she thought she did great, but at the end of the date Tomas said that they could be “pals,” and she figured she probably lost him. We see Tammy sitting on the floor of the short bus (with no seat belt, I might add -- let’s all get the production company in trouble for that!), and she tells us that her plan is to let Tomas see her caring side and open up to him. Commercials.

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Chains of Love




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