If you go see A Knight’s Tale, you may never read my recaps again. Please. Just don’t.
Night. House. Michael Penn plays a little ditty on the guitar because he’s not busy doing anything else as Tammy tells us that Tomas has eyes that she can look into. Great. Great. Just great. I hate this show. Wearing stupid Mr. Miyagi robes, they head into some big room in the house, and we are told that “Tammy’s Date” is going to be “Intimate Sushi Dinner” and “Shiatsu & Sensuality.” There is a sushi chef waiting for them. Jane says that it’ll be weird to be the third wheel, but maybe Tammy and Tomas have a connection; we see her sitting on her long chain behind some rice paper wall.
The dinner. Tammy asks Tomas to do a shot with her, and Tomas gets all moral, and Tammy says that she thinks this is an issue for him, and The Cello of Worse Drama Than An Episode of Matlock begins to keen, and Tomas tells Tammy that he can open up to people without alcohol, and that when someone needs alcohol to open up it’s “just different from where [he is].” What about when you need alcohol to do a recap of a terrible terrible show? Is that okay? Tammy nods, but then grabs her head and laughs. Jane tells us that she didn’t expect their date to be “one issue right after the other.” Tomas now says, “You’re talking like I’m some kind of straitlaced freak or something.” Tammy laughs, desperately trying to have a good time and lighten the mood, but Tomas just stares at her like she peed on his Bible. Tomas then digs down from acting school when he was twenty-two, before he did those gay pornos that he really doesn’t want to talk about, and says, “This is pitiful.” Tammy asks why, and he launches into some diatribe about him saying green and her hearing yellow and how they’re not connecting. “Where are we missing each other?” he asks, all dramatic-like. “I don’t know,” she says, matching his tone, which makes me want to burn that Malibu house down. “I don’t want to miss you,” he replies, and suddenly I realize exactly what I’m watching. A bad acting-class improv, and trust me, I’ve seen enough of them to know. Hell, I’ve done enough of them to know. And it gets worse, people. We get nineteen hundred and four Blair Witch noises. They both can’t think of a next line, so they look down, and then Tomas says, “Okay.” He tries to cry, and that’s Tammy’s cue to lean in and say, “Tell me what you’re thinking.” She takes his hand and whispers, “You just seem so emotional.” Tammy cocks her head and says, “We don’t have to make a decision to spend the rest of our lives together tonight.” What? What the hell is she -- ah, hey, fat man! It’s the Locksmith! Shit, I missed his fat ass. He comes into the room, and everyone sees and then they pretend not to, and Tomas quivers his lip trying so fucking hard to cry that he nearly pees his pants, and Tammy whispers something, and they kiss the kiss of the bad, and then Tomas “sees” the Locksmith and says, “He’s here again.” Okay, a four-hundred-pound Samoan in sunglasses and a huge black trench coat is in your fucking eye-line, and you’re going to pretend you don’t see him? At least, producers, since you can’t get the “actors” to make the moment work, make him actually sneak up on them or something. Really. I don’t ask for much.
Tomas stands between the girls, and he gives them each ten seconds to make their case. Jane says that they connected and she wants the chance to see if blah bleh bloo. Tammy continues her stellar acting-class work by whispering, “Tomas, my heart hurts right now.” That right there is the best line Chains of Love will ever produce. Thanks, Tammy. You should really kill yourself now, you know that. Anyway, she continues, “And I really don’t want to let it end on this note. And I just wanna be with you one last night.” Tomas takes a deep breath. He says that when he first saw this person he thought…oh fuck it. Who cares. He lets Tammy go. She nods and he lets her go. His hands are shaking from the sheer Latin passion running through his veins. He gives her two thousand dollars to help pay off her grad-school debt. Pamie calls me, having watched the show, and gets angry all over again when I tell her that I’m recapping Chains. “Tomas is such a fuckwad,” she says. “I’ve never said that word before in my life, but that’s exactly what he is.”