Chains of Love
Tomas

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As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

Short bus. Tomas rides as Jane lie-overs that she feels hurt herself that she might have hurt Tomas. Tomas sighs and says it hurts too much to think about. Ha. Jane tells us they didn’t have the ultimate spark she needs to drive a relationship. Yeah, he only drives a Honda. Tomas says that if he could see Jane, he’d thank her for teaching him a lesson not to judge a book by its cover. Bullshit -- if he saw her he’d weep and start quoting from the Book of Job. Tomas then gets one hundred dollars from Michael Eisner for saying to Jane, “You’ve got a friend in me.” Jane pretends for a second that she’s on Survivor or something at least semi-important and says that she thinks it’s an accomplishment that she came back from dead last to “win” the whole thing. She’s very excited. Incidentally, I would put up my couch, my cat, my laptop, and my new pack of Skittles that Jane would not have won if she didn’t have a boob job. She has about as much personality as James Brady.

Final shot of the Locksmith standing on the cliff, wondering if he should have two hundred hamburgers again for lunch or just cut out the middle man and eat a whole cow. Graphics. “Tomas never heard from Jane. One week later, Tomas contacted Tammy. Since then they’ve gone on dates, they’ve gone on trips, they just haven’t gone all the way.” She has, however, blown him nine times, and once when they were drunk she let him come on her face. But that graphic was banned by the network. I hate censorship.

Next week. A girl. Four guys. Ass-shaking. Arm-wrestling. Fake drowning. Bowling. Yelling. Sleeping. Me jumping out the window.

I hate you all. See you next week.

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Chains of Love

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