Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

In the short bus, Tomas says that the girl with the “belly” must be a “cute girl.” Yes, of course she must, Tomas.

New girl. Blonde. Bimbo. Lord, she has one of those little-girl-woman voices that some guys like but that makes me nauseous. And wow, the way she talks all slow, with the occasional weird vowel sound that makes her sound Chinese, lends to her a certain air of, let’s say, hardcore stupidity. She whore-overs that she’s going to figure out her strategy as it goes -- play up what she has going for her. (Read: tits.) Tomas says, “I’m a Latin. Latins are known to appreciate shape.” If Tomas is Latin, I’m Hindu. What a dick. Blondie lets the air seep out of her head and tells us, having to think about it hard, that she works out five times a week! We learn that her name is Jane and she’s the “Bashful Bombshell.” Her quote: “My beauty is more than skin-deep.” No. It’s not. She tells us that most people don’t know what she’s really like, and she says she’s very disciplined and likes to be challenged and likes “the old fashioned way of a man treating a woman.” Yeah, when he hit her in the eye because he had a tough day at work, made her cook him dinner, and then fell asleep on the couch watching Mannix? Great. You’re welcome to it. Jane meets the other two girls. Jane? She has a terrible way? Of ending every few words? Like it’s a question? I hate her.

Short bus. Tomas says that one of the girls has a nice back and looks athletic.

New girl. She says that she’s going to get the guy, because he’ll figure out that she’s interesting and her “boobs are real.” Ha. I like her. I mean, relatively, which is a big fucking codicil. Tomas says he likes the arts. Weird Girl says that she wants the man to be interesting and “a little arty.” Alma is the girl, and she’s a “Quirky Writer.” Her quote: “Creative, spontaneous, and fun -- what’s not to like?” “Quirky” has to be one of the most overused words in Hollywood. Right between the words “fucking” and “lunch.” She whores to the camera, saying that she’s “quirky” (see?) and “different” and “unique.” She tells us that she’s a dog-walker, which is funny, because I did that when I first came to town and I know how much that pays, which is not much. She says that she likes dogs because they can’t hurt you like men. Sure, dogs can’t cheat on you, but men aren’t going to bite your leg. Well, most men. And as I write this, my cat comes up and licks me. I thank her. Then I realize she’s only giving me love because I’ve hit pause on the VCR and she desperately wants me to keep it that way. Alma seems very young even if she doesn’t look it, as she says that she’s a “dreamer.” She’s not the only one. The four girls greet each other in the kitchen.

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Chains of Love




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