Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

In the short bus, Tomas says that it’s a “very nice breast” he’s looking at.

Outside. The girls make awkward conversation about their sleeping habits as Tomas shows up. He invites the girls inside and meets them. He kisses Alma, saying that it’s “a Latin thing.” Jesus. Then he says to Tammy, “You look Latin, are you Latin?” No. She’s Italian. Dick. “Right on,” he says.

Distant bell. Ritual room. They sit as MM gives the exposition about when to let the girls go and the Locksmith shows up and Tomas will have to give the girls money as he lets them go and shit, the twelve of us who watch the show already fucking know by now. Tomas says he liked the photo of the leg and the tummy best. They were from Tammy and Alma, so they are chained on the inside. Music. Music. Chains. They are chained. My teeth hurt. I ate too many Skittles. My eyes hurt. I’ve watched too much shitty TV. MM wishes them luck, and we get thirty seconds of slo-motion shots of the five of them looking around. Now that’s fucking compelling television, people.

The kids “explore” the house. As they put clothes away, Tomas tells us, “I’ve never been chained to four girls before.” You haven’t? What’s wrong with you? Loser. They head downstairs and eat food outside. They “break bread,” as the religious Tomas puts it; it looks as if they're actually eating Egg McMuffins, but to “break McMuffin” just sounds dirty, doesn’t it? Tomas holds out a book and reads lines stiffly, talking about how he wants to know the girls better, and thus he’s been given information about the four girls from their ex-boyfriends. The girls shriek in mock horror; naturally, they knew about this, since when the name of which boyfriend talked is read, no one reacts with an ounce of surprise. Tammy’s ex says that she’s wild, and demanding, and that women find her intimidating. Shannon’s ex says that she’s a flirt, demanding, bitchy to her boyfriend, a princess, a clean-freak, and lazy. Shannon is also a manipulator and “by the way, this girl can drink,” he says. Shannon bats her eyebrows. Where’s the pill lady? I think it’s time for Shannon’s meds. Alma's ex says that she reads her daily horoscope “like it’s the word of God.” Okay, that’s funny. She also has energy and needs a lot of attention. Alma likes to build drama and has a short attention span. Now Jane. Jane's ex-husband says that Jane is beautiful, funny, and goofy. He also says she’s a bitch and “has to be in love before she’ll give up the booty.” The Music Of Scary Ex-Husbands plays as Tomas continues to read about Jane, saying that the ex is still waiting for Jane’s left breast implant to be returned after their divorce settlement. Oh no he di’n’t! Jane voice-overs that she was “taken aback” by the “harsh” words. She predicts that she’ll probably be the first to go.

Did you see The Mummy Returns this past weekend? You did? I want you to go to your room and think about what you’ve done. Seriously. What’s wrong with you?

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Chains of Love




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