Chains of Love
Tomas

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
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As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

Tomas talks to us, telling us that Jane is superficial and not his type; he says she reminds him of an ex who hurt him. Alma, he says, was scared when she arrived, and it made him want to take care of her. He says that Tammy is his type and he thinks she’ll last until the end. He says Shannon wants to spar and “jest” and that she’s the “wild one.” He gets this insane look in his eye and tells us, “They’re all beautiful women.” Yes, they are. Now go to church or something and leave me alone.

The kids all get in the short bus and head off together to be seen in public. They head to a pool bar, and we get lots of crap-ass shots of drunks in the bar staring, and without the controlled lighting of the house, we really see just how shitty the quality of this video is. It’s like one tiny step above Blind Date. Like they bought a three-hundred-dollar lens for this show instead of a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar one. In the bar, the game has been set up as a Truth or Dare thing. Gay. So very gay. Everyone screams in “look-how-naughty-we-are”-ness as Shannon is forced to spank Jane and say, “Bad dog. Bad dog.” Even Tomas looks scared by Shannon’s overzealous spanking. Tomas now has to talk about the worst way he’s been dumped, and he tells a lame-ass story about going to a woman he thought was perfect for him to ask her to marry him, only to find out that she was already married. Personally, I think you should at least be in the person’s life who you want to marry enough to know if they’ve recently gotten hitched or not. But that’s just me. I’m “quirky” like that.

Shannon looks into the camera and tells us that Tomas is attractive and intelligent. Mommy, make the scary woman go away.

Now someone has to “fake an orgasm,” and we can’t tell who it is at first because they just show everyone else watching. It’s Jane, and she whines, “It feels so good” as she moans a few times and grabs her hair. Tomas screams like a girl. Random shots of people watching, meant to be all funny, but the timing and everything else is off. Sadly, I’m sure the editors sat around cracking themselves up editing in these reaction shots. Well, it’s pretty easy to amuse someone who’s locked in a small hot room for eighteen hours a day. Jane is done doing what she does best, and everyone claps. Tammy tells us that she doesn’t feel Jane is competition because she’s not Tomas’s type; she thinks Jane will be the first to go. Tammy then has to give a foot massage to “the person [she’s] most attracted to.” Man, spanks and faked orgasms and foot massages. The producers have these little 1970s ideas about what’s hot. I feel like I’m watching The Dating Game and someone is going to start talking about “making whoopie” soon. So Tammy rubs Tomas’s feet and she’s cute doing it and they talk and then Shannon says something meant to be alluring but it’s just sorta sad so I ignore it. (Shhh, if you ignore the scary lady she might go away.) Jane tells us derisively that Tammy’s strategy is not to make friends with anyone else, but just to go for the guy. Yeah, Jane, what a terrible strategy, to go for the guy. Tammy is dumb, huh? I bet she never got her G.E.D. like you did. And the pool segment ends, with a totally nonsense shot of the pool balls going back into rack formation. Magic! Some assistant editor just discovered the “reverse” function of the Avid and begged his boss to let him throw one in. Genius. Good job, kid -- you’re going places in this town.

Short bus. Tammy tells us that Tomas is hot, but not what she’d expected. Tammy then asks him if he is indeed not going to have sex again until he’s married. He tells us that he thinks for a woman to not give herself to a man until she’s in love with him is “a good thing.” Tomas tells the girls that there is time to get to know a person, and it’s wise to take that time. Shannon tells us how Tomas lived in celibacy for years and then “screwed up,” and then he did it again and again screwed up. Shannon says, who’s to say he can’t screw up again? And that’s it. Such a half-baked job of crafting segments. This show makes a flip book made by a Special Ed class seem compelling and well-structured.

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Chains of Love

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