Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

Dusk. House. The five talk out on the balcony. Tomas tells us that the fact that he’s a Christian was a shock to the girls. Shannon complains that everyone is boring and she just wants to have fun. (Read: “I’m going to get hammered tonight.”) See. As they all sit down to eat dinner outside, Shannon suggests that they open the wine. Tomas toasts and pours more wine. Tammy jokes that he could “use a little” more wine, and he says something about them kissing later, and she giggles and looks down. Strong businesswoman, that one. Suddenly, The Music Of My Escalating Suicidal Thoughts plays Alma sluts that she feels like a third wheel ["I hate her already. It's 'fifth wheel'" -- Sars] and says, “You haven’t even given me the time of day.” Tammy frowns. Everyone starts talking, and Tammy says that maybe it’s a mind game, and Alma brats that Tammy is getting all the attention and that during the “interview” Tomas’s hand was on her leg, and he gays, “Helloooo, we’re chained together.” Alma then says she doesn’t mean to be mean to Tammy, and Tomas and Alma argue about why he hasn’t touched her leg, and there’s so much loud screaming and cackling that my cat starts chewing through the television’s electrical cord, but instead of turning off the set she gets a small shock and some of the fur on her tail turns black and falls off. She meows angrily and curls up to pout in my potted ficus.

Anyway, suddenly a sodden Shannon leans in with her Skeletor mouth and tells Tomas that he just said he wants to kiss Tammy and why is he trying to deny it now and I’m going to eat your babies! Shannon tells Tomas to stop denying it, and Tomas says that they have something to talk about, and Shannon starts doing a little rhyme about “around the world,” but I think she’s implying that he’s babbling, and Tomas butts in on her rhyme, saying, “And you’re out of here tomorrow.” Shannon laughs and says, “Forewarning.” Tomas tells us that he was joking and that he didn’t know he was going to “hit such a button.” Yeah, how could he know telling a girl on a game show about kicking people off that she was about to be kicked off would hurt her feelings? Anyway, as Tomas tells us this, we see Shannon on the couch, cackling to herself. That girl is lucky she lives in the present day -- her ass would have been burned at the stake in the seventeenth century, no doubt. Tomas then tells us that Shannon played it off at first, but soon it got bad. Slo-mo of her drinking and laughing. Shannon then tells us, “He made me look dumb for a little bit and you shouldn’t do that. That’s not fair…gonna make me look dumb for him being wrong." Ah! Her eyes! Fuck it, I’m turning the -- oh. Okay, she’s gone. Phew. Jane, speaking slowly since she just recently learned to talk, tells us, “After dinner I really don’t have any idea of what’s going on really anymore.” No! You don’t say. Guys, did I say she was dumb? I did? Well, I overestimated her.

Pool room. The kids come downstairs in their bathing suits to hot tub. Shannon is now drunk and all over Tomas, trying to get him back. Alma tells us that Shannon “took a turn,” and that what happened in the hot tub was “funny.” Staring into his eyes, Shannon licks up the length of Tomas’s big toe like it’s a cock and she’s trying to get the cable guy to give her free HBO. Tammy frowns. Shannon tries to convince him to let her suck his toe. Tomas says no. Jane jokes that Tomas “loves it” that she’s crossing a line. Jane’s tits float three inches above the water, they’re so buoyant. Alma says that when she watches Shannon, she feels like she’s watching a movie. Yeah, Nuts. Alma goes on to tell us that she finds Shannon entertaining, and she makes her laugh. Alma looks through the water to see if Tomas is hard. They try to play it off, but I know what’s going on. Shannon then tells us that if Tomas had let her suck his toes, “that would have been the end of him.”

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Chains of Love




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