Chains of Love

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | Grade It Now!
As Latin as my Aunt Ethel

The Locksmith drives to the house as The Music Of UPN Whoredom starts up and we see the kids getting into the hot tub in their bathing suits.

In the tub, Shannon talks about how she was mad, but then the Locksmith is up above and we get a long awkward sequence of the kids supposedly seeing the Locksmith and being all surprised and nervous. This “acting” section really is my favorite part of the show. No. I take that back. Commercials are really my favorite part on the show.

Man, the UPN is terrible. All the previews for other tacky-ass shows. It’s 1986 all over again on the UPN!

Shannon’s acting really is the best in the replay of their Surprise du Locksmith. So fucking funny. MM whores that Tomas now has to decide who to let go, and that he’s gotten a chance to see each girl’s “unique” personality. That’s a kind way to put it. Tomas wastes our time, not that it isn’t all time wasted, by saying that at first he found this person attractive and blah blah blah stallcakes. He says that this person showed herself to be “controlling, insensitive, and frankly, psychotic.” Hee. Of course it’s Shannon. She smiles insanely as unchains her. The other girls laugh. He tells her that last night reminded him of Friday the 13th, so he’s going to give her thirteen dollars. Thass cold. She is led away by the Locksmith, and she smiles. The other women smile. Tomas frowns. Shannon nuts-overs that Tomas tried to humiliate her and breaks out the old chestnut that “everyone who knows [her]” knows that she’s not psychotic. Yes. Sure. Just slip into this white jacket with the weird sleeves, if you will. Shannon gets into the short bus. Tomas tells us that Shannon caused pain and injury. Shannon then calls Tomas judgmental, cruel, and an asshole. Tomas says that if Shannon is going to give it, she better take it. Shannon says that she would have paid ten thousand dollars to be released. Good -- then this bitterness is all for naught, right? Tomas says Shannon was there for the money. Shannon then says, and this is very funny, that Tomas had it out for her from the beginning since she showed her breasts in the photo, and she then says, “He obviously can’t handle a very strong woman that’s very outgoing and knows what she wants in life.” Yes, showing your tits to a stranger equals strength. That’s really all the feminists have been working for all these years, after all.

House. Again. Short bus. Jane, sounding serious like she’s eight, says that the dynamics have changed without Shannon and she’s more relaxed. Tammy says she wouldn’t want to piss Shannon off. The four go on what looks to be the most boring hayride of all time. MM tells us that the girls are now continuing to compete for Tomas’s affection. Tammy tells us that she’d really like to get to know Tomas one-on-one, but he doesn’t really share. Jane then whines to us that there is no connection at all between her and Tomas, and that she’s gone next and she’s just along now for the ride. Alma does a horse impression, and Tomas tells us that Alma is good because she’s able to “express her needs.” Here’s my need: end this fucking show already. Tomas then says she wishes Tammy could express herself as well, and that Alma is sweet.

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Chains of Love




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