Episode Four. Over the hump. I’m so excited I could spit. I just did. The thing is, I haven’t had a cigarette for eight days. It doesn’t make this any easier. I haven’t been a very stable person. Seriously. My cat ran out and bought me a pack yesterday.

Anyway. So it’s just me and a pack of gum and the white-hot ball of hatred I feel towards Chains of Love. Let’s begin, shall we?

And yet again we get basically the same opening as the first three weeks, but slightly different: A woman’s voice. A shot of the Pacific Coast Highway, minus Jamie Lee Curtis driving her Audi hopped up on Ibuprofen with a highball glass in one hand and her cock in the other. The woman: “Beautiful California. A place of romantic dreams and adventure.” Rock and roll! Shots that look like leftover footage from Blind Date! Oops, it’s made by the same shitty production company. Well, there you go. Shot of dating hijinx continue as the chick blahs, “Now the series Chains of Love explores the limits of romance as a man or woman is chained to four members of the opposite sex twenty-four hours a day. Witness the joy. The honesty. The competition. And the romantic connection.” Our host must have just riffed the same speech a hundred different ways. Because if they were actually taking the time to rewrite this opening trying to make it better each week, I’d be very very sad for those writers. Very sad. She continues, “In tonight’s episode, a man is chained to four gorgeous women and must learn to separate past pain from present pleasure.” So, either Madison or the writers obviously learned something about alliteration once when they were twelve and just sorta remembered it’s a “good” thing, and thus tried to bust it out here without really knowing what it does or how to use it well. So sad it sends Stee sobbing. A ho by a pool standing in a very awkward spokesmodel pose. Blair Witch noise. “Hi, I’m Madison Michelle. Welcome to Chains of Love.” Hey, y’all in the production offices of this show. Your shoes are untied. (Hee, I totally made them look. Tools.)

So we meet tonight’s guy, Tomas, who is a graduate student. He’s going to be moving into “this” house et cetera et cetera. Tomas in a park, wearing a yellow parka. Now we get shots of the girls picked because they have attributes Tomas likes. Well. I hope he said he likes “ho-ish girls who really want to be actresses but have lived in L.A. for seven years now and have only landed a few student films and thus decided to try to get discovered on the TV,” because that's what he seems to be getting.