A Call To Arms

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent

Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Barbas, now alone, calls out, wondering if the Head is "friend or foe." "Neither," comes the rumbling, disembodied reply. "But if you want to stop the Elder," the Head adds, suddenly reappearing to get all up in Barbas's face, "go after the baby!" The Head knocks Barbas on his ass as it buzzes by to vanish once more. Barbas hams something tedious as the scene shifts...

...aboveground, where an "Ask Phoebe" ad trundles across the screen, courtesy of the bus to which it's attached. The bus passes out of the frame to reveal the exterior of All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, which apparently has pulled up stakes for the second time in its existence on this show to transfer to yet another building. This one suspiciously resembles a repurposed bank. Of course, as we note when the camera heads indoors, they somehow managed to move the entire office interior, like, WHATEVER! Fuck you, Kern! Fuck! You! God, I hate this show. Phoebe, sporting a coat fashioned out of the same drapes Maria von Trapp used to clothe the Captain's children, totters through the glass doors to babble apologies at Elise Rothman, Girl Editor for her tardiness. "It won't happen again," Phoebe promises. "Of course it will," Elise snorts. Ha! But then she blasts my brief amusement all to hell by adding, "But, hey -- if you keep getting responses like this, who cares?" Don't feed the beast, Elise. Actually, I take that back. Feed the beast as much as you want, as long as it's, you know, actual food. Beast is skeletal, is all I'm saying. Anyway, Elise waves a sheaf of wildly positive reader feedback to that morning's inadvertently recycled column while blathering about how "classy" Phoebe makes the paper look, and that should be "klassy" with a K, right, Elise? I seriously cannot take any more of this shit. Uncle!

Long story short, Phoebe cops to the "accidental" recycling and asks for some time off. Elise without hesitation -- and please let there be an ulterior motive behind that -- offers Phoebe a two-month-long "sabbatical," during which period the paper will hire a stringer to ghost Phoebe's column. As the sorely famished Feebs tries and fails to muster the strength necessary to yodel her objections, Phoebe's Non-Mary Cherry assistant announces that one of the Manor Morons is on the phone. Phoebe sighs wearily and crosses into her office to answer. Turns out it's Raige, with one of her typically boneheaded plans. To get the Dolt off his Barbas kick, they'll guilt him into attending the wedding with Piper and Phoebe while Raige minds the kids. Once the other adults have left the Manor, Raige'll abuse the Book for a Barbas vanquish. I suppose she's completely forgetting the fact that the only way to vanquish Barbas is by conquering your deepest fears. Or by having your ex-husband demolish him with a Flaming Ball Of Death. Something like that. Phoebe phrets that she'll be useless without her powers, but Raige counters that Phoebe's pretty much useless with them, so what's the big deal? Okay, so I made part of that up. The upshot of it all is that Phoebe reluctantly agrees to the plan, and Rose McGowan needs to shave. Either that, or she needs to stop slapping on foundation so cakey that it clumps together on her upper lip, leaving her with a Max Factor moustache. I don't want to go there with the Dirty Sanchez cracks, but...yeah. Ew.

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