Charmed
A Knight To Remember

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: C
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A Knight To Remember

I've seen some gruesome fashion crimes on this show, but nothing on this scale. You know that scene in last week's Band of Brothers, where the little Italian guy stumbles across the concentration camp? And in the aftermath of the discovery, he comes across the Irish replacement soldier he'd been razzing earlier? And the Irish guy is just sitting dazed and shocked into silence on the ground? And the little Italian guy gets a look at what's derailed the Irish guy so badly, sapping his will to go on? Imagine that as a blouse. It beggars description. The color of dried Pepto-Bismol, it features an aggressive flourish of ruffles that looks like a marauding pack of anemones has risen from the sea to attack Rose McGowan's bosom, shoulders, and neck. It's hideous. It's deeply disturbing. It's Charo. Raige and the Slampiece are talking, but I've been struck deaf, if that's possible. At some point, Slampiece Glenn starts macking on her again, and I'm grateful, because if Raige caves and takes a Sex Day, she'll remove the horror from my sight.

At some later point -- I'm not really sure, because time seems to have stopped in that way it does during events so traumatic in scale that one wonders if the world is coming to an end -- at some later point, the camera cuts to the hallway outside Raige's apartment. Piper and Phoebe trundle over to Raige's door. Phoebe's hair is doing that Mrs. Lovett thing again, and I involuntarily scan the scene for cannibal meat pies. The Dolt orbs in to prevent them from entering. In what is actually a terribly cute scene, the Dolt first tries to get Piper and Phoebe to leave, then eventually stammers out something about the lady of the house being "indisposed" at the moment. Phoebe, idiot that she was, is, and will continue to be, doesn't get it. Realization is left to dawn on Piper's face instead. "You watch?" she gasps incredulously. "I didn't see anything!" splutters the Dolt. Piper raises an eyebrow. "Okay, just a little! But how else am I going to protect her!" Piper takes a moment to stare into the middle distance while storing this information for future retributive purposes as Phoebe whips her dim little head back and forth between Piper and the Dolt. Snicker.

The scene cuts back to the interior of the apartment as the three barrel in from the hall, led by Phoebe. Am I really supposed to believe Raige leaves her door unlocked? I am? Well, screw you. Phoebe has a hand over her eyes and babbles about not being able to see anything before Piper yanks on her coat to pull her over to the railing surrounding Raige's raised bed. Raige and Slampiece Glenn quickly pull apart. Raige has removed The Horror for now, to my great relief, and demands an explanation for the intrusion. Piper says they have a situation, and "[they] didn't know which way to turn." Emphasis hers. Phoebe leers at Slampiece Glenn. Slampiece Glenn retrieves his jeans from the Dolt and beats an irritated retreat to the bathroom. Once he's out of earshot, Raige rages, "This better be important!" Phoebe flicks her fingers up in jazz-hands frustration, rolls her eyes, and guhs, "I can't use my blow-dryer." Oh, fine. Hee! Piper asks Raige if she's received a visit from Crappy CGI Guy yet. The Dolt blurts out that she hasn't. Raige shoots the Dolt a look and spits, "How would you know?" Phoebe explains what the Dolt's been up to recently, leading Raige to blurt angrily, "You've been watching me? Out!" She leaps from the bed, clutching The Horror to her bosom, and marches the invading trio out of the studio. Piper and Phoebe attempt to explain, but Raige is having none of it. She slams the door in their faces. "I think that went fairly well," Phoebe states. Inside the apartment, Raige hugs The Horror to her breast as she pouts, "Unbelievable!" No kidding, sweetie. This is why your door has a goddamned deadbolt.

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Charmed

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