Some time later, Phoebe opens the front door to find Gonzo on the porch with another dozen roses. Dear God. Phoebe's strapped the Fun Bags into a ruched scarlet tube top with matching pressure cuffs cutting off the circulation to her forearms and hands. Completing her dazzling ensemble is a pair of black slacks, over which she's tied a gold-toned paisley satin sash with red fringe. She's an eye-patch and a peg leg away from being a pirate's whore. "More flowers?" she giggles. Gonzo admits that his gift "lacks originality," but notes that flowers are much easier to carry than what he'd like to present her with. "What's that?" Phoebe coos. "Beachfront property," Gonzo deadpans. Phoebe snickers as she links her arm in his to escort him into the dining room. Despite the fact Gonzo has an unobstructed view of the table and should therefore notice Piper, Raige, and the Dolt awaiting his arrival, he stops Phoebe halfway down the hall to suggest that they head upstairs for a quickie. Piper clears her throat. Phoebe blithers some excuse about wanting Gonzo to meet her family as Raige gamely natters, "Phoebe's said so much about you, we just wanted to get to know you better." "Although probably not as much as we just did," Piper snorts. She looks as if she just noticed something particularly unpleasant clinging to the sole of her shoe. Phoebe shoves Gonzo into a chair beside the Dolt as the camera tracks backwards and up towards the ceiling for a slow fade to the meal's aftermath. Gonzo regales his captive audience with the tale of his near-death experience that afternoon. Piper spits something stroppy and uncalled for about Phoebe's penchant for assisting any "stray dog" that crosses her path. What the hell is wrong with her this evening? Normally, I'd be all for Piper ragging on the Feebs like this, but for God's sake, not in front of guests. What is she thinking? Raige inhales sharply and changes the subject, asking Gonzo if he really has a cabin at Lake Tahoe. "Near Heavenly," Gonzo confirms softly, gazing soulfully at the Feebs. Oh, shut up and DIE already. Of course your cabin's near Heavenly. Of course. Squaw fucking Valley isn't quite as anvilicious, is it? You tool. Just as I'm about to claw my way into the television screen to bitch-slap everyone in the dining room -- with the exception of my girlfriend Raige, of course -- Cole smears quietly into the kitchen. Piper spots him and quickly excuses herself from the table.
Episode Report CardDemian: A- | 377 USERS: C+
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