Attic. Phoebe's penned "nine offensive and fourteen defensive spells" since last we saw her, and Piper and Raige have cluttered an entire table with vials of various vanquishes. The Once And Future Bs blink in and immediately chant, "Before the passing of this hour, take away all their power." These scraps of doggerel are even more obnoxious when delivered by men. The Ps leap to their feet and gape. Raige hurls one of the vanquishing vials at Present B's feet, but the potion shatters harmlessly on the floor. Phoebe fumbles through her sheaf of spells and babbles, "We call upon Medusa's bones -- turn their flesh into stone!" Nothing happens. Piper flings out her Hands Of Discontent. They're useless. Raige tenses every muscle in her body, only to discover that she can no longer orb. As The Once And Future Bs conjure a couple of Flaming Balls Of Death, Piper bellows for the Dolt while Raige retrieves a dagger from the table. She whips back her hand to plant the thing in one of the Bs' chests, but an FBOD smacks into her cleavage. Raige dissolves into a cloud of ash that settles onto the floorboards. Before either Piper or Phoebe can react, the second FBOD plows into the Fun Bags, and Phoebe is killed in the process! Huzzah! Take your shout-outs where you can find them, gang. I told you this episode was a keeper. As The Column Of Ash Formerly Known As The Feebs satisfyingly collapses into the floor, the Dolt orbs in and stutters, "Oh, my God!" "And then there were none," Future B smirks. The Dolt makes a flying leap at his wife, snatching her up into a glowing cloud of orbs. Future B's final Flaming Ball Of Death passes through the cloud to vanquish a plant stand. The Once And Future Bs flail about in frustration as we dive into the commercials.
Foreboding Alleyway Of Ken Marino's Doom. Piper crouches in a corner, and great is the wailing and the gnashing of teeth and the rending of clothes and the tearing of hair. Careful with that last one, honey. You rip too much out of your scalp and you'll end up looking like Phoebe. The Dolt, meanwhile, gingerly fingers the brick wall, searching for the squiggly portal. As Piper drags herself from the depths of her misery, the Dolt clues her in on his quest. The ripple Phoebe opened by thwarting destiny acts as a sort of slipstream backwards through time, and will continue to do so until Future Bacarra reenters the thing to reverse its course back to the future. If they can find the squiggly portal, Piper can step through it and ensure that My New Gangbanging Husband pops a couple of caps into Gonzo's worthless ass. Or, you know, "prevent Phoebe from making the same mistake twice." Whatever.