Charmed
A Witch's Tail, Part I

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

Speaking of hags: Catherine Zeta Jones.

Opening travelogue, sans ovaries and testicles. The opening travelogue has been spayed for this evening's presentation, if you will. We eventually land at the Manor, and dear God. They've added a wee CGI Dolt poking his wee CGI head out of that octagonal hole he's hacked through the facade. What's the word I'm looking for again? Oh, right: tawdry. While the Dolt sands the edges of the octagon, Piper perches on her bed across the room and coos over her baby book, which the Dolt found in a box up in the attic. As Piper stumbles across a photo of herself as a newborn, the following exchange of dialogue occurs:

Piper, delighted: Oooh! Look at how squishy I was!
The Dolt, fond: You were so adorable.
Piper, suspicious: You can't even see the picture.
The Dolt, clueless: I'm your Whitelighter. I've been watching you ever since you were a baby.
[Beat.]
Piper: That's too creepy to think about.
Demian: EW!

Piper waxes maternal, remembering what little she can of her own mother just as the name of Finola "Teeth!" Hughes pops up in the credits at the bottom of the screen. Yay! Teeth! Meanwhile, the Dolt attempts to wedge a prefabricated window frame into his octagon, only to drop the thing heavily onto his foot. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Piper offers to help, but the Dolt chauvinistically insists that she can't, given her delicate condition. Shut up, Dolt. Piper agrees with me, and tells him to lighten up already. After all, didn't generations of Warren witches bear children while still fulfilling their duties?

The Dolt glances at the baby book in Piper's hands and rather callously instructs her to flip to the next page. Titled "The Sixth Year," it's blank, as is every page that follows. "There was no one there to finish it after your mother died," he cruelly asserts. Why did Piper marry this fuckwit, again? And if you're trying to tell me Grams wouldn't have carried on with the gals' baby books after Teeth! took The Swim That Needs No Towel, try again. Asshats. The Dolt doesn't stop there, going on to characterize Teeth! as "careless" and a person "who thought she was invincible." He glares at Piper and finishes, "She was wrong." I hope Finola shows up just to kick his worthless, witless ass. Piper mutters a listless, "Well," as the camera zooms into the final blank page in the book.

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Charmed

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