A Witch's Tail, Part I

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

There's something very, very wrong about Will Kemp wiggling his denim-clad ass in my face while crooning, "Keep it loose." That's just way too much information there, buddy.

Manor parlor. The remaining patch of scales on Mylar's thigh vanishes beneath the hair dryer Phoebe wields as Raige enters through the front door, bitching about being called away from the office. The bitching stops, however, when Raige catches sight of the last few scales. Introductions are made, followed by Mylar relating her tale of woe. Mylar, by the way, is wrapped in a robe that she apparently borrowed from one of the Glamorous Ladies, like, what happened to the clothes she was wearing in the last scene? Shouldn't they have morphed back onto her body after she dried off? Rrrrgh. Describing her predicament, Mylar notes that while mermaids are known for their "cold hearts," and while "the call of the sea" can be irresistible, she herself was eventually overwhelmed by a loneliness that led her to enter into that shady arrangement with Hagnes. There aren't any mermen down there? Where do little mermaids come from? And why did I ask that question? Now I've got a goddamned Ethel Merman song blaring in my skull. "Gee, but it's good to be HEEEEERE! Frankly, I feel right at HOOOOOME! HERE is where all the ex-CITE-ment is! THIS is champagne with ALL the fizz!"

Oh, God.

Throughout, Piper displays an uncharacteristic unwillingness to battle Hagnes, Phoebe displays a characteristic self-centeredness, and Raige displays, well, whatever it is the writers slapped together for her this week. I think it's compassion. After one too many snide remarks from Piper and Phoebe, Raige insists on a private Charmed Chat in the kitchen. Once there, Phoebe whines about the court date she's missing. Raige flings her hands in the air in frustration and tells Phoebe to leave. The Dolt enters the kitchen as Phoebe bolts from the Manor, and both he and Piper advise Raige to think of a way to assist Mylar without risking a confrontation with Hagnes. Because none of these people ever tell each other what's really bothering them, Raige feels like she's been unceremoniously dumped into some sort of alternate universe where Piper's as wimpy as her witless husband. Raige welcomes a confrontation with Hagnes, because Raige finds Hagnes "an interesting evil specimen" who reminds her of "a water demon [she] read about in the Book [who] kills in the most fascinating way." Piper cuts Raige dead, so to speak, with the information that the "fascinating" object of her study is the selfsame demon who offed their mother. Raige apologizes while Piper clenches. Raige offers to prevent Mylar's Craiggers from boarding his flight to New York City, on the condition that Piper research a "Plan B" in the Book of Shadows should Raige's effort fail. Piper reluctantly agrees.

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