And yea, I say unto you that verily did I gaze upon this blank computer file entitled "A Witch's Tail, Part Two," and great was my weeping, like unto a vast, weepy, crying thing that wept and cried. And then I got over myself and started recapping this mess.
Previously on Charmed: Read all about it.
The second hour opens with a blissfully wordless montage of Phoebe swimming through the deep blue sea. In other words, they squeezed Alyssa Milano into a rubberized mermaid tail, tossed her into tank on the lot, and filmed her through portholes cut into the side. Phoebe's ensemble has been augmented with pukka-shell bracelets and a seed-pearl circlet with matching snood on her head. Phoebe swims and drifts and drifts and swims until bright, shiny objects capture her attention, at which point she stops everything to gaze at and pet them. That's gotta be a shout-out.
Here Be Hags, Manor Division. The Dolt, bloated as ever and once more sopping wet, orbs directly onto Grams's priceless Persian rug. Piper hisses at him, and he quickly sidesteps to the bare floorboards. The Dolt found the Feebs frolicking in the ocean, but he couldn't return her to the Manor because "she's too fast and slippery." Shudder. Full-body shudder. Piper can't figure out why Phoebe would choose a life of cold-hearted freedom in the ocean when she has a perfectly functional life of cold-hearted freedom on land with her sisters. Raige guhs, "Of course. You don't know." Piper and the Dolt advance on her, so Raige quickly spills everything she knows about Cole coming back from The Waste Land as some sort of super-powerful demonic force with highly acidic blood. The Dolt gets shirty, insisting that Raige should have informed him of Cole's return the moment she learned of it. Piper, meanwhile, busies herself by collapsing to the floor in a fit of hyperventilating panic. Raige and the Dolt help her onto the couch, where she bleats, "Does he want my baby?" Piper is most relieved when she learns that the former Source Of All Evil couldn't care less about her percolating infant, and would much rather have her sister instead. They blather about the nature of mermaids and whatnot, and Raige posits that her spell might have transformed Phoebe because Phoebe's heart had been so badly broken by Cole's antics over the latter half of last season. Neither Piper nor the Dolt have the slightest clue how to proceed. Raige suggests research, and lots of it. The three collect themselves from the sofa and head off to do just that.