Charmed
A Witch's Tail, Part II

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | Grade It Now!
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Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Deux)

Meanwhile, back on the beach, the Dolt's beer gut cruises for sailors as Raige orbs onto the sand. Raige, the Dolt, and the Dolt's beer gut orb over to Hag Cavern, where the Dolt attempts to apply the tingly touch to Piper's injuries. Necron zaps him with a bolt of energy, hurling him across the cavern into a wall. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Raige, meanwhile, summons The Shell Of Suck off of Phoebe's left best friend and hurls it onto Necron. She then instructs the other Glamorous Ladies to link hands and "prepare for a big blast" while she recites the following:

Tide of evil washed ashore
To bring its darkness evermore:
With all our strength we fight this fate --
Make this evil obliterate.

"Make this evil obliterate"? Obliterate what? Idiots. Doesn't matter. Never does. It works anyway, and Necron explodes most spectacularly, with three or four separate concussion rings ricocheting throughout Hag Cavern. Raige is blown into a sail, Phoebe's knocked unconscious into the water, and Piper?

Here's the part I hate: Piper, still chained to the grille, slides into the glimmering pool when the grille is knocked loose from the chains that had suspended it. The grille sinks to the bottom, dragging Piper along with it. This is not the area with which I have a problem. No, the problem area follows the commercial break, and after the bit where Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt smack each other sensible above the waterline in the aftermath of the vanquish. Here it comes -- while the numbskulls in the Cavern are whacking each other upside the head, Piper slowly drowns at the bottom of the glimmering pool. Slowly drowns, that is, until Finola "Teeth!" Hughes appears beneath the waves, swathed in a radiant, heavenly white light like she's the Virgin Of Freaking Medjugorje or something. And it's not the appropriation of religious imagery that bugs. It's that they used this same goddamned scene with Shannen Doherty back in Season One. ("From Fear To Eternity," if you must know.) Of course, back then, Prue was drowning in a plain old sunken backyard suburban swimming pool, not some Glimmering Gateway To The Call Of The Sea in a Magical Hag Cavern strewn with Impressive Nautical Detritus, but please. At least try to come up with something new every once in a while. You know you're watching a sucky show when the tawdry knockoff starts relying on tawdry knockoffs of its own goddamned plot devices to fill the hour.

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Charmed

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