A Witch's Tail, Part II

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | Grade It Now!
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Deux)

Casa Del Cole. Raige barges in, calling for the gentleman of the Casa. Cole, clad in his typically sleek and terribly expensive casual wear, greets her and congratulates her on winning the argument they had earlier in the day. He's leaving. The bags are packed, and he is out of there. Raige tugs on his lapel, renounces every single hateful statement she made earlier in the day, and swears that the Feebs remains deeply in love with him. Cole tells her to blow it out her ass. "What if I can prove it?" Raige asks. Cole pffts, all, "Go ahead and try." Raige locks eyes with him and recites:

Open Phoebe's heart to Cole,
Reveal the secret that it holds.
Bring forth the passion of love's fire
That he may feel her true desire.

A spray of twinkly red lights materializes in the air over Cole's head and coagulates (hey, open heart, y'all) into -- get this -- a circlet that hovers around his head not unlike a crown of thorns. The crown spins, then detaches and dives into Cole's chest, attacking him around the area of his heart. Where are all the Catholics out there? Yeah. Feel free to become mildly irritated that the tawdry knockoff is resorting to tawdry knockoffs of imagery surrounding the Passion and the Sacred Heart Of Jesus to drive home the idea that CoLE + PhOEbE = SouLMAtes 4EVAH!!!!! Cole grasps his chest in pain, despite the fact that a warm, golden glow seems to emanate upwards from his torso, and oh, Lord. Cole starts crying, and I haven't seen an actor cry so badly on TV since Der Van Der Beek "broke" "down" when Joey ran screaming from Pier Leery at the end of the Season Three finale of Dawson's Creek. After causing me to lose what little respect I had left for Julian McMahon at this point, the twinkly red lights flee his chest and vanish out the window. Cole and Raige stare at each other, surprised.

The Beach. The Feebs basks on a rock. The Dolt orbs in to announce that Raige was not to be found in the Manor. The Dolt then senses that the stupid, pointless, why-the-hell-are-they-here electric eels are zapping the wife again. Phoebe backflips into the water, intending to distract Necron from the Piper torture until the Dolt can find Raige for the Power of Three vanquish.

Hag Cavern. Piper zzzzts! a bit more before Necron TKs the grille out of the glimmering pool. You know, it might not be such a bad thing if those black leather pants wind up ruined at the end of this after all. Piper does look terribly hippy in them. Not very attractive, I must say. Anyway, after catching her breath, the hippy torture champ sneers some more at Necron, who sneers right back at her. It's dinnertime for Necron, you see, and Piper's life force is just as filling as any other human's. Phoebe pops her head out of the water at that moment and offers her own life in exchange for Piper's. By way of response, Necron violently TKs the grille off to one side. The force of the impact of grille and hippy torture champ against the outcropping of rock draws blood from Piper's shoulder and stomach. Piper immediately freaks about her percolating infant and howls in rage at Necron as Necron himself mojos The Shell Of Suck onto Phoebe's left best friend.

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