Astral Monkey

Episode Report Card
Owen: D | Grade It Now!
Astral Monkey

Alleyway. Dr. W walks past several prone homeless men. Phoebe calls out to him. The Ps stand in a row at the far end of the alley. Piper: "We can help you. You have to stop hurting people. It's over." Dr. W replies, in a growly, synthesized voice, "If you say so." He drops his organ cooler and holds up a scalpel to fling at the Halliwells. Prue TKs it backwards into a board. This causes the homeless people to clear out of the alley but quick. Dr. W flings a rusty buzz saw blade at the Ps. Piper freezes it right in front of her. Phoebe orders Piper to freeze Dr. W. She does. Dr. W shakes off the freeze in a couple of seconds. Phoebe wails for the radio listeners, "It's not working!" Prue orders Piper, "Whatever you do, do not unfreeze that thing." Dr. W sends yet another rusty buzz saw blade at the Halliwells. Prue telekinetically spins it back towards him. They both put TK force on the blade, so it floats between them (like the wand in the "That Old Black Magic" episode) and is quite a bore. Piper, still concentrating on freezing the other blade, tells the callous Ps that she's about to give at any moment. Which cues Pheebs to screech at Piper, "YOU DO NOT LET THAT GO. YOU DO NOT LET THAT GO." Uh, Piper's the one in its direct line of fire so SHUT UP, PHOEBE. Piper, to her credit, grits out, "Yelling DOES NOT HELP." Prue tells the docile Ps to "just let go" once she tells them to. They're confused. Suddenly Prue yells, "Hit the deck, now!" They duck. The blades go flying past their heads. One of them bounces off the wall and boomerangs into Dr. Williamson's gut. He pulls it out and collapses onto the ground. Piper screams, "Noooo!!!" and runs to his side. She weeps and insists, "Oh God. Please don't die." Prue looks over to Phoebe with a "get her" expression. Piper wails. She tells Dr. Williamson that she's "sorry." Sniffle.

Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Phoebe throws some of Dr. W's notes in the fireplace. She tells the inanimate objects, "Bye-bye files!" Because she's a moron. Prue hands more papers to Phoebe to burn, and expresses relief that things are "back to normal." Cut to the chimps sitting on the sofa. Prue asks for exposition as to what will become of them. Phoebe explains that she's driving them to the "wildlife conservancy" the next day. Then she shows Prue that she's trained them to do the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" trick. Cute, but it's still a Lesson of the Day. And not one that Owen particularly agrees with. Pass. Phoebe tells Prue that she'll miss the chimps. Then Piper mopes into the room. Phoebe hands her a paper, informing her sister that the document is "ground rules." Uch, Phoebe, this is a really bad moment for such pettiness. Oh wait, the list turns out to be all about the type of guy Phoebe wants: "A man who hates my brand of cereal, so there's always some for me. A man who catches me by surprise." Piper: "What is this [shit]?" Phoebe explains that it's her "wish list" and that she's stealing Piper's boyfriend. Actually, she's trying to let Piper know that she desires someone "as good as Leo" and she's glad that Piper's found "the best" because she "deserves" it. Prue adds: "We just want you to be happy, honey." That doesn't come to pass, because Piper responds by throwing some more files on the fire while looking like she's on the verge of tears. The callous Ps wonder what's the big. Piper: "His name was Curtis." Phoebe: "Who?" Piper: "Dr. Williamson. I read it in his medical biography. He never married. He was working all the time. Saving lives was more important to him than having a life of his own. His life is over and I can't help but feel responsible for that." Phoebe: "We tried to save him." Piper, openly crying at this point: "But we didn't." Prue: "Because we couldn't." Piper: "I couldn't." She turns and exits. The callous Ps decide not to follow her, "not this time." Yeah, gals, don't get up.

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