Episode Report Card
Owen: D | Grade It Now!

P3AD. Pheebs is following Piper around, berating her for not taking it easy. Piper believes that the club might be over the "occupancy limit" and starts throwing a little fit. We see a blurry POV shot of frat-boy two-stepping extras, and Piper collapses onto the floor. Phoebe demands someone to "call 911!"

Credits. Every time I see Greg Vaughan do that smirk, I want to poke his eyes out.

Leonardo Di Caprio in a hot romance with talented French siren Virginie Le Doyen? Why isn't this flick called The Beard?

Hospital. In lieu of the usual establishing shots we cut almost immediately to Piper, lying unconscious on flattering hot pink sheets in a hospital bed, while Prue paces nervously by her bedside and Tori Amos caterwauls on the soundtrack. Prue's wearing a very hideous lime green Ye Olde Renaissance Faire blouse (tm Sep) with a matching headband that's not doing its job of keeping Shannen Doherty's uneven bangs out of her eyes. Piper awakens. Prue greets her and grabs her hand. Piper doesn't remember passing out; she asks what's wrong with her. Prue says they're waiting for her test results. Piper thinks she probably has something "trendy like mono or Epstein-Barr." Prue surprisingly doesn't take this as a cue to ask Piper what year she thinks she's in, and who the President is. Piper wonders where Phoebe is.

Hallway. Phoebe, still wearing her pink poncho and cap, is doing her best Aurora Greenway impression at the admitting desk. She raps the desk with her hand several times and calls loudly for the "Nurse Person." The Nurse Person looks at her. Phoebe tells Nurse Person to "get her sister's test results that should have been in by eight, and it's twenty past eight now." Nurse Person, to her credit, doesn't give Phoebe the rough side of her tongue; she asks her the name of the patient. Phoebe responds, "Piper Halliwell." Nurse Person tells Phoebe to wait for Piper's doctor, and he'll tell her the news once he answers her page. Phoebe, keeping her bitch on, glares at Nurse Person and sits down in the waiting area. Payback for Pheebs's rude behavior comes in the form of an obnoxious sickly wheelchair-bound moppet accosting her. Sickly Moppet wonders if Phoebe is "sick, too." She says she isn't. Sickly Moppet wonders why she "looks so sad." Phoebe bonds with Sickly Moppet by answering in her patronizing baby voice that her sister is ill. Sickly Moppet's name is Nathan, and he's holding a ninja doll. Phoebe tells Nathan that his action figure is really "a wi -- wizard who can move things and freeze things and kick box and do all this to the demo -- bad guys within [his] body." Nathan buys all of this. Dr. Williamson, Piper's physician, walks up with a flock of interns in tow. Phoebe, who's obviously never watched a hospital program before, wonders what the other doctors are doing with him on rounds. Dr. Williamson explains that they're studying his field -- he's an "infectious disease specialist." Pheebs gapes at this.

Piper's room. Dr. W and Phoebe enter. Piper wonders where her regular doctor is. Dr. W asks how Piper feels. She's okay, but tired. Dr. W asks if she's traveled out of the country recently. Piper "wishes." Dr. W explains that Piper has a disease called "Aroya fever" which is spread by the bite of a "sand fly." Has she received any imported goods recently? Piper and Pheebs remember the "kiwuano" fruit. Piper shows the doctor an insect bite she got when she opened the crate. Dr. W prescribes an antibiotic to get her fever down, and more tests. Phoebe accosts the doctor to ask if Piper's disease is life-threatening. Dr. W will know after "more tests." He leaves. Phoebe jumps on top of her sick sister on the hospital bed, and sits on top of her. The lazy Ps beam at Piper. Piper assures that them that she'll be okay. Prue agrees. Phoebe thinks they should call Leo, Piper's own personal Jesus, to heal her. Piper tells them not to, because for one thing, she's dating Dan now, and for another, her disease is not the work of a demon or a warlock. She'll trust medical "magic" to make her better. Piper sends Prue back to Buckland's, and Phoebe off to "go do whatever it is you do." BWA HA HA. Get well soon, Piper. She also requests that they call Dan and let him know the big. Phoebe kisses her goodbye and leaves. Piper looks worried.

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