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Owen: D | Grade It Now!

BAH. Prue struts into her office. Jack (natch) is there. She asks if the tests on the Monet have confirmed "unexplained thread markings" around the signature of the painting. Has Jack told the V.P. about this yet? Jack hasn't. He thinks Prue should go home and rest. Prue wants to keep busy. She confesses to Jack that she's "seen a lot of weird things in [her] life, and it takes a lot to scare [her], but right now [she's] really scared." She hugs him. Jack looks uncomfortable, and admits that he's "not good at saying the right thing" at such moments. Once again, I must point out that GUYS WILL TELL YOU OR LET YOU KNOW THEIR SHORTCOMINGS, if you care to listen. Men aren't all that complicated. This is the third or fourth time that Jack's worn the "I'm a big jerk" sign around his neck. Prue doesn't notice. Jack suggests she go back to the hospital to see Piper. The phone rings. Prue answers it.

Halliwell Manor. Dan "Yell Steel" Gordon and Phoebe discuss Piper's condition. Phoebe is very worried. Dan, playing Gallant to Jack's Goofus, hugs Phoebe and comforts her, assuring Pheebs that "Piper will be okay -- she's strong and healthy and she's a fighter." The phone rings. It's Prue calling from the hospital corridor she's storming through. Phoebe needs to join her right away.

Hospital. Phoebe and Dan run up to Prue outside of Piper's room. Piper's "condition has worsened." Phoebe, the brainiac, wonders "what that's supposed to mean?" Dr. W comes up. He tells them that the antibiotics haven't worked and Piper's immune system isn't as strong as he had hoped. There's nothing more they can do -- she's slipped into a coma. Phoebe blinks back tears. Dan bites his lower lip. Shannen Doherty looks constipated. Can we have some glycerin from Make-Up, stat?

What would make me vomit first if I were in that Pepsi One commercial -- the rocking motion of the ferry, or the realization that I just slurped down some stranger's backwash?

Halliwell Manor. Attic. Prue storms into the room, followed by Phoebe. They make a beeline for the Book of Shadows to try to find a spell to cure Piper, reasoning that if they can use the BoS to vanquish demons, it can help them fight "a lousy bug." Pheebs worries about the personal-gain clause to their powers and the potential consequences. Prue: "What? The Power of Three remains unbroken and we go on saving the innocent." Phoebe, to her credit, argues that "if good witches could go around curing diseases, would there be any sick persons in this world?" Phoebe wants to call Leo first before resorting to a spell from the BoS. Prue reminds her that Piper forbid them from doing that. Phoebe's big argument: "So?" The lazy Ps start calling Leo like he's a lost dog that wandered out of their backyard. Leo "Hiding Under a Bushel" Wyatt blue-lights in to tell them to shut the hell up. Er, rather, he tells them that he's been lurking, and he knows about Piper's condition but the "higher powers won't let [him] help [her]." Besides, he's not their White Lighter anymore, and even if he could help, his powers wouldn't work because she didn't fall ill from fighting evil. He orbs out, asking the lazy Ps to tell their sister that he loves her. Aw. Pheebs looks at Prue and decides to "screw the consequences." The lazy Ps flip through the BoS.

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