Battle Of The Hexes

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
It's Absurd! It's A Bane! It's Supertard!

Power of the witches rise:
Course unseen across the skies.
Come to us who call you near --
Come to us and settle here.

Supertard instantly arrives on the carpet in a mix of the blurry flashes they've been using for her superspeed this evening and the more traditional swirling cloud of glowing golf balls. She's pissed, but I've wanted her dead since the first episode of the season, so I don't care. Piper and Phoebe too casually amble over to the carpet, where Piper surreptitiously lets go of the final Crystical, closing the circle on the floor and activating the cage. The cage which Supertard instantly screams her way out of, because Supertard is apparently more powerful than The Source Of All Evil, in any of its forms, ever was. I hate this stupid show. And then, just to piss me off EVEN MORE, Supertard lisps, "There'ssss no wrath like a woman sssscorned." AUAAUAUAAAAGH. IDIOTS! Supertard superspeeds out of there, Piper snorts something snippy about the mess Supertard left behind, and then we fly back over to Not!warts, where Supertard announces, "[ZZZ]? I'm all yours," before vanishing into the next commercial break.

Manor. Aftermath. The Dolt arrives home from his golf date as Piper and Phoebe arrive on the main floor from above and, long story short, the Dolt convinces the gals that a trip to Not!warts is in order, as the spell to remove the belt from Supertard will likely be found in one of the library's books. How the Dolt or the ladies knew Supertard was at Not!warts in the first place, I'll never know. Nor will I ever care. "It's gonna be pretty tough getting by her unseen," Piper opines. "I think 'unseen' is the answer," the recently invisible Dolt duuuuuhs. Seriously. When did Piper become such a dumbass that the Dolt, of all people, is out-thinking her? Shut up, show.

Rose McGowan And Ivan Sergei's Far More Enjoyable Subplot That Unfortunately Has Nothing To Do With Anything Else This Evening. Speedle Dee Dee arrives at his darkened apartment, only to get tossed up against the wall and cuffed by Ivan for violating his parole. Raige notices the blood on Speedle Dee Dee's shirt and convinces Ivan to investigate Speedle Dee Dee's version of events, as said version will exonerate Speedle Dee Dee of any wrongdoing should it prove true. Ivan reluctantly agrees, but manhandles Speedle Dee Dee on out of there anyway. I apologize for giving all this such short shrift, because it continues to be well-played by everyone involved (yes, including Arjay Smith, the dude portraying the ridiculously-named Speed), but it really doesn't have anything to do with anything else that's going on tonight. It's as if they yanked it all from a far-superior Raige-centered episode, hacked the thing to pieces, and dumped what remained into this Retard-related crapfest. They seriously need to off The Bimbo now and get back to stuff like this, and I'm not just saying that because I hate Kaley Cuoco. Well, okay, I'm saying that entirely because I hate Kaley Cuoco, and I don't think I can take fourteen more episodes of her talent-free ass gobbling up the entire hour's worth of screentime, but seriously. Aside from the scene-appropriate mugging at the top of the hour, Rose McGowan hasn't relied upon a single one of the annoying tics she developed over the last year and a half -- tics that blew up to swallow her entire set of performances this season thus far. See what happens when you give her an engaging partner and even a moderately considered storyline, assholes?

Anyway. Whatever. Like I care. Back at Not!warts, Supertard finally kills That Brute. As InvisiDolt sneaks over to the bookshelf -- we can see his footprints tracking across the marble floor, as he's foolishly blundered through some spilt potion -- Supertard next takes out ZZZ's henchdork. I so don't care about any of these people. While InvisiDolt searches for the appropriate spell, Supertard collapses into a chair, all panty and sweating and gross. ZZZ kneels at Supertard's side to croon something unimportant as Piper, Phoebe, and Raige arrive -- and where the hell Raige came from, I'll never know -- to make with the quippy remarks. InvisiDolt wiggles a book around at the far side of the room, catching the eye of Raige, who promptly summons the thing into her own arms with her orbing telekinesis. ZZZ screams at Supertard to kill the Charmed Ones, but before Supertard gets a chance to do much of anything at all, InvisiDolt's tackled her ungainly ass to the floor, where he shouts, "Say the damn spell!" Really, Dolt. Such language. Piper needs to wash your fucking mouth out with soap when you get back to the Manor. Raige, heeding InvisiDolt's cry, calls out the following alone:

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