Bite Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | Grade It Now!
Suck This

The Boneyard. A Grimlock races through the headstones as Piper and Phoebe trail after him, yelling, "Wait! We just want to talk to you!" The Grimlock grimaces and squiggles out. Then, God, in collusion with Commonwealth Edison, decides to spare me the Ps' ensuing dialogue regarding Piper's barren ovaries by having the neighborhood's transformer surge and pop, winking out the electricity throughout my apartment for a good thirty seconds. When the television blinks back on, QVC is trying to sell me an eight-piece set of hardcoat enamel non-stick Cook's Essentials for the low, low price of $68.16, despite the fact it retails for $119.00. And the shipping and handling is only $8.47! I flip back up to WGN in time for Phoebe to groan and double over a headstone as if to vomit into a freshly-turned grave. Damn. Apparently, I did not miss the entire conversation. Phoebe reveals she whizzed all over an EPT stick that morning, but the results were negative. Piper admits she had a similar experience recently. They blather on about babies and sharing their lives with each other and it's all very tedious and then they hug.

Rodentia wings in from above to perch on a massive memorial, where she morphs into her fabulous vampire self. "Awww," she simpers, legs sassily crossed at the knee with a black slingback dangling jauntily from one foot. "Don't I get a hug?" "How did you find us?" Piper demands. Raige reminds her they "share the same blood." "I sniffed you out," she adds, hopping down from her perch. Phoebe brandishes a cross, and Piper has a wreath of garlic around her neck. Snerk. Perhaps because Raige has yet to complete her transformation (duh), these items are useless as a defense, and Raige flips Piper across the cemetery into another headstone. Phoebe and Raige hack and chop at each other with the wacky jujitsu for a while, then Raige starts kicking some serious Phoebe ass. Atta girl. Raige whirls around to land a pump in Phoebe's stomach. Phoebe hurtles backwards through the air to slam ass-first into the dirt. Raige leans over Phoebe's inert form to whisper, "Now it's time we really bond as sisters." Out come the fangs. Just then, the Dolt races in with a fat white squeeze-bottle of holy water, which he holds at waist level. The Dolt squirts holy water all over Raige's back. Yes, it is as disgusting as it sounds. Raige howls and beats a hasty retreat. Raige morphs into "bat" form to flap away. The Dolt quickly helps Piper and Phoebe to their feet, and the three orb out.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP