Bite Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | Grade It Now!
Suck This

Sodom, Vampire Lesbian Division. The trio orbs into Lizzie's chamber. I have no idea how they knew where to go, and quite honestly, at this point I don't care. Piper directs the beam of her flashlight to the Batcave's ceiling, where they spy a colony of the furry things suspended from the rock. "Which one's [Raige]?" asks the Dolt. "How should I know?" Piper snippily replies. Lizzie strides into the room, activating the braziers with a couple of magical flicks of her wrists. With open arms and an inviting smile, she croons, "Welcome to our family," her voice a tender caress. Raige and Sam arrange themselves pleasantly on either side of her. Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt gape their respective ways into commercial.

Back from the break, the vampires and the witches verbally spar their way to an impasse. Raige refuses to leave with Piper and Phoebe, and Lizzie knows Piper and Phoebe can't vanquish her without Raige's help. Lizzie attempts to bargain with the non-vampy Ps, offering them the Eternal Life package with the Extra-Special, One-Time-Only Added Bonus of Sharing Eternal Life With Each Other! The non-vampy Ps tell Lizzie to put the wares away, because they're not buying. Lizzie besets the non-vampy Ps with her many, many minions. The cloud of "bats" from the ceiling swarms around Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt. The Dolt's randomly squirting holy water at the dive-bombing "bats," and Brian Krause looks like a complete tool. Eventually, our heroes drop all of their defensive weaponry to the floor. As soon as the Dolt releases his squeeze bottle, Sam pounces on him, hurling him across the cavern, over an altar, and into a wall. Raige leaps onto Piper, while Sam turns his attention to the Feebs. She boots him in the head a couple of times, but none of the kicks have any apparent effect on him. He flips her to the ground and whips out the fangs. Meanwhile, Raige has Piper pinned to the wall for a little fang action of her own. Suddenly, random "bats" burst into gouts of flame in the air above their heads. Lizzie pulls an inadvertent Christina Crawford by wailing, "My babies!" The distraction provided by the flaming airborne fur balls allows the Dolt to wrest Raige off his wife while Phoebe gets the upper hand in her struggle with Sam. Lizzie grabs Raige by the wrist to flee to another room just as Phoebe stakes Sam in the chest with a conveniently-appearing shard of wood. He howls and screams as flame shoots up the stake from the hole in his chest before his entire body explodes. See you later, Sam. Hopefully in something much better than this. Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt race after Lizzie and Raige.

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