Last Thursday: Supersize Chandler and Supersize Joey played EZ Chair Roulette, that guy from Can't Buy Me Love got a jones on for Will, Molly Shannon scored the ten millionth Elizabeth-Taylor's-babbling-corpse-at-the-Golden-Globes joke of the week, and Kel got his beef-jerkied ass voted off the island-continent for being really kinda sorta hot…but just plain' ol' not hot enough. Sorry, beefcake. The tribe has spoken.
I just said Thursday. Network identification optional.
Tap tap tap. Earth? You out there? Anyone seen "Earth"? No? Sigh.
Oh, hello there. Demian couldn't be with us this week, sadly, so I will be taking over recapping duties in his stead. Bear with me, good people of MBTV. Tonight's episode ties my total viewings of Charmed with my total viewings of both Movie Stars as well as every manifestation of the WB's Zoe-oriented efforts to convince me that Selma Blair is anything less than a pushing-thirty hack who should play high school like Bea Arthur should play high school. All of which shouldn't matter too considerably, because if there's one thing I know about this show from Demian's recaps, it's that the first-time viewer probably still has a fighting chance of understanding the concept of "continuity" at least better than, say, the people who created it. Anyway. Bear with me. If you're looking for me, I'll be over here, repeatedly consulting the "P" page of my Kitschy Names For Witchy Sisters handbook, while the WB goes about making my Thursday nights accessible again with the upcoming premiere of Selma Blair's fourth ill-fated go-round, Zoe, Her Fired Agent, One Guy Dressed As A Pirate, And My Cat. Now that would be some Feb on the Frog right there.
This has been The Disclaimer Of The Ages. On with the show.
Halliwell Manor. Tony Micelli's Proudest Achievement (because, I mean, have y'all seen what's become of Danny Pintauro? Okay, actually I know more about that guy's life than I do about the lives of ninety percent of America's former Presidents, but that's a recap for another time) lies in bed, chowing down on popcorn and watching the black-and-white film spectacular, Kill It Till It Dies. Hey! I know stuff about that! From consulting that time-honored Charmed oracle of "Google search for 'Billy and Sally Mae'" and discovering it's from "Chick Flick." An instant classic, I assure you. Anyway, Phoebe all but wells up at Billy's assertion that he believes Sally Mae to be, in fact, "swell," and the two clasp hands and prance off into the woods. The…end? Damn. Not so much. Into the television frame appears a black-clad Dieter of a man with a touch-my-monkey turtleneck and a high-ranking spot in the Casey Kasem's Top Ten MBTV Foreheads countdown. But who is it? Uh-oh. Character identification snag #1. Phoebe sits up in bed. "Cole?" Thanks for letting me know, Pheebs! Cole smiles big as he walks toward the camera, informing Phoebe that this Pleasantville knock-off of an effect was acquired from the Demon of Illusion. She asks just what in the holy hell he's doing in the television, and he sets up the dramatic tension for the entire episode (the cautious first-time Charmed recapper will be sending Aaron Spelling a large sum of money in thanks, with the words "for services rendered in Jaw-Dropping Narrative Simplicity" scribbled on the memo line) with his response, "I wasn't sure how you'd react, but this is a safer way of letting you know I was back." Glacial pause. Not a particularly small glacier, either. "For good." Ugh. That's Cole? Demian, friend? You got yourself some explaining to do.