Carpe Demon

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | Grade It Now!
Zane's World

Cut to Piper's hands slapping a torn paper heart onto a pillar at P3. "Next!" she snaps at the Dolt, who murmurs, "Um. That one's ripped." "So?" Piper snorts, impatient. "The crowd will be, too." True, that, but that's not the point. No, the point seems to be that Piper's displacing her Issues Of The Week onto the Valentine's holiday, and since I care not at all about her Issues or Valentine's Day, I'll be skimming through the scene that follows. Basically, the Dolt's rather patiently awaiting what is certain to be a harsh punishment from the other ever-useless Elders for his role in the late experiment with Utopia. This, naturally, enrages Piper, who blames the other ever-useless Elders for virtually forcing the Dolt into the Avatar's collective. "They drove you to it," she argues, "with Gideon and what he did to [Big Gay] Chris and what he tried to do to [the Psycho]." So nice of you to acknowledge what Gideon did to my poor, pretty husband, Mother Halliwell. Pity it took you fourteen goddamned episodes to do so. Thoughtless shrew. "I don't think they're gonna see it that way," the Dolt breathes. "Well, you'd better make them see it that way," Piper grits, "or else this may be the last Valentine's Day we spend together." With that, she snatches up some more decorations from the bar and storms out of the frame. As the Dolt turns to watch her go, the screen flashes white and we're...

...thrown into Hell, and boring! Tonight's guest dark demonic force is Sebastian Roché, and he's weaselly and he's unattractive and he's French and I hate him, so let's get through this as quickly as possible, okay? Roché's playing the sorcerer who brokered the deal with Drake, and he's furious that Drake's made it through the past fifty weeks without using his powers against an innocent. Roché, you see, needs Drake's powers to overthrow Hot Zankou and claim the throne of Hell for himself, so we all know Roché's going to be dead by the end of the evening, and all of this is pointless, and God! Will you shut up, you prick? And get a haircut while you're at it. By the way, he's been screaming all of this at some demonic bounty hunter we never see again after this interlude, and that's it: I'm skipping ahead to the point where some henchdemons manhandle the delightful Ann Cusack into the chamber. Seems she journeyed to Hell to do a little research on Drake and got herself caught. When she claims not to know anything about the ex-demon, Roché whips out a dagger and presses it against her throat, urging her to "think harder" about the whole thing. Ann's eyes widen in panic as the screen flares white again, and we find ourselves...

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