Carpe Demon

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | Grade It Now!
Zane's World

Millennia ago these demons worked in the service of Mercury, the self proclaimed Roman God of thievery. In modern times, they've evolved into a powerful clan of upper level Demons. Hatched from eggs that incubate in the eternal flames of Some Completely Illegible Location Down In Hell, these Demons have the power to fire thermal blasts that can take down lesser demons in one shot. Though this power makes them formidable foes, they can be vanquished with the Power of Three.

All of that is [sic], by the way, though that "self proclaimed Roman God" bit is a lovely callback to what Big Gay Chris told his mother about Greek and Roman mythology in the fifth-season finale. Also, Billy Zane hatched from an egg. Snerk. Sort of explains the way he looks, doesn't it? In any event, Zane improbably continues to amuse me through the blather that follows -- during which he and Raige basically repeat everything I've typed in the paragraph above -- especially when he plants a finger on the Power of Three citation at the end of the entry. Raige, you see, is flabbergasted that he's able to touch the Book, and Drake's reaction? Is first to mock her hushed, disbelieving tone with one of his own as he murmurs, "Oh, my God! So I did!" then to start drumming his fingertips and wiping his hands all over the open pages before hammering at the thing with his elbows while sing-songing, "I guess that means I'm good!" Hee. "Stop it!" Raige snarls, batting his hands away. As Raige snorts that the Book's been tricked before, he instantly adopts an expression of faux-wounded innocence, but there's still a mischievous gleam in his eye. He's way too good for this show. Anyway, there follows a brief recitation of the personal losses Raige incurred the last time the Book was fooled into believing a demon's supposed innocence, but I totally wasn't paying attention because I was too busy glowering at the cap sleeves on Raige's tacky, BeDazzlered blouse. Drake eventually determines that Raige's bad past experiences have left her "indecisive." Raige, of course, disputes this before basically confirming it by waffling all over the goddamned room about one fucking thing or another. Drake kindly notes that our mistakes are what make us human. Unfortunately, this point is blown to pieces by the arrival of the Feebs, who proves through her very existence that some mistakes are actually quite monstrous. Introductions are made, and Phoebe is shocked and appalled to discover that Raige has brought an ex-demon into the Manor. Yeah, look who's talking. Bitch.

Entertainingly enough, Drake makes much the same point. "I thought you guys had lots of experience with demons who were human," he mutters. "You married one, didn't you?" "Yes, and divorced," Phoebe snaps back. "How did you know that?" Well, maybe he found out about it when you were crowned Queen Of All Evil in the darkest pit of Hell during a black ceremony that featured human sacrifice, you stupid cow. God, I hate this show. Drake's reply is far more mild than mine, however, as he simply grins, "You know. Gossip around the office cauldron." "Anyway," he sighs, changing the topic, "you girls don't understand what it's like to be judged simply by the way you were born." With that, he snaps his fingers, and for some idiotic reason morphs into Cyrano de Bergerac, complete with nose. No, seriously. No. Seriously. Billy Zane blurts out a few of Cyrano's lines about his "vile protuberance" in an exaggerated French accent as Phoebe goofs and giggles and floods her panties, because it's Valentine's Day and she's dateless and he just made a dick joke. Or something like that. HATE. Raige mumbles something about how many people Drake's killed over his long demonic life, and he immediately takes umbrage, snapping himself back into his regular clothing and form as he vows, "I never killed anyone, except demons. Killed plenty of them." "Join the club," Phoebe groans, once again making it All About Her. "Sucks, doesn't it?" You suck. Shut up, Phoebe. Raige calls Drake on what she believes to be an outrageous lie, but he insists that -- get this -- he's nurtured "from the day [he] was hatched" a love of literature and the human emotions it captures, and so could never bring himself to off anybody. "I always found a way around doing that," he shrugs. Phoebe's smitten. Shut up some more, Phoebe. Raige remains uncertain, however, and orbs off to consult Piper after ordering Drake to fill Phoebe in on the rest of his backstory himself. Once Raige has disappeared through the ceiling, Drake smiles and opens with, "So you like Gene Kelly movies?" Phoebe, a bit taken aback but basking in the attention, replies, "Love 'em. Why?" Drake simply smiles some more. Hmmm. I wonder what he could possibly have in mind? This should blow. Whatever the hell it is.

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