Just as Piper and the Feebs lie to Darryl and his wife regarding Raige's absence, the missing P herself saunters down the stairs in what I'll remember as the most trying element of tonight's Very Special Centennial Episode: a loose, sleeveless, belly-baring white top featuring a limp, lacy black ruff at the neck over a pair of matching drawstring pants. For one thing, white washes her out completely and should be banned from her wardrobe. For another, she's a pointy hat and some puffy buttons away from turning into a girly, teenaged Pagliacci. Raige The Sad Clown? I wouldn't think so, but that's what they apparently would have me believe. In any event, Piper and Phoebe dart over to the stairs to hustle Raige into a secluded corner. They're worried, you see, that Raige will hose down the bar with snot rockets while orbing uncontrollably hither and yon. Raige insists that she's conquered her itchy schnozz with some of Not Ava's herbal gypsy nonsense. Nevertheless, Piper and Phoebe sit Raige down for a chat. They confess that they're concerned about the previous night's attempted vanquish, and want to know what gives. Raige sighs and reluctantly admits that she's been feeling "suppressed" lately -- after having been an only child for so long, she's chafing under the constraints of life "by committee" in the Manor. Piper wonders how Rose McGowan pissed off Brad Kern to the point that he'd saddle her with not only a hideous outfit, but also this improbable, slapped-together, out-of-the-inky-depths-of-left-field character point for the landmark hundredth episode. Or maybe I wonder that while Piper wonders what she can do to fix things. Raige shrugs her shoulders and hesitantly states, "I just think maybe I need to start looking for my own place to live." Phoebe lifts her brows to the heavens while Piper stifles an incredulous gape.
Back at the Casa, Cole's on his knees before Not Candy, and you'll have to insert your own tasteless jokes about that development, because I've got Craptin to transcribe. "Ribus uero fecit orum," Not Candy chants as an intense beam of white light connects his outstretched palms to Cole's forehead. "Bitis danae arca," he continues. "Convenio hospito fortis mundis." Just once, I want them to come up with something translatable for these rituals. Craptin thus chanted, Cole exhales with a shudder that makes it sound as if someone reached over and tweaked his nipple. Go back and listen to it again if you don't believe me. He rises to his feet and enthuses about the new sensations of heightened power that are making him feel alive for the first time in months and wah. Not Candy prepares to escort Cole...somewhere else. To whatever plane of existence it is, I suppose, where Avatars frolic and gambol when they're not planning to remake the universe in their own image. You know. There. Cole "uh-uhs" and reminds Not Candy of their agreement. First Cole "get[s] [his] wife back once and for all"; then he joins in on the Avatar games. Not Candy is shocked and appalled. "That's what you wanted?" he asks with barely-concealed disgust. Dude, that's what I've been asking for two goddamned years. "Your new powers can't affect love," Not Candy adds. Cole, naturally, has a cunning plan. He'll alter the one event in the past that led to the destruction of his relationship. You mean when Ian forced you to smoke that guest witch in the attic, leading Phoebe to smash the Belthazor-specific power-stripping potion on the floor? Or was it when you entered into that shady deal with The Source Of All Evil to reverse time, inadvertently delaying the Dolt in the Underworld and thereby contributing in your own small way to Prue's death? Or was it when you inhaled The Hollow to help vanquish the Source, and unwittingly became the Source yourself? The answer, of course, is "none of the above," because any of those options would make sense -- particularly the first one -- and Cole is now, lest we forget, crazy! Also, Shannen Doherty would sooner wipe Alyssa Milano's ass after darling Lyssie's taken a massive, messy dump than rejoin the show, but that's neither here nor there as far as alternate plotlines for the episode go. How cool would the first option have been, though? We'll have to debate it on the boards, unfortunately, because I frankly don't have time to detail it here.