Centennial Charmed

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | Grade It Now!
Centennial Charmed

And we're back. Maximum Security Dolt reveals he checked with the ever-useless Elders, who confirmed Raige's story. You know, Dolt, if the production staff hadn't blown the budget for tonight's episode on Phoebe's eyeliner, you might have asked Finola Hughes and Jennifer Rhodes, who could have confirmed Raige's story on camera. In any event, Maximum Security Dolt adds that his reality's Raige met an untimely death at the hands of the Source, which is why other-reality Raige can't access her powers. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but we'll just have to go along with it. Also, does this mean there's a ghostly Alterna-Raige floating around out there? And if so, wouldn't she have noticed that her corporeal double just stomped all over her grave? I mean, I know it would piss me off if my corporeal alternate-reality doppelganger just suddenly appeared and thoughtlessly strolled around on the final resting place of my earthly remains, so I can just imagine what Alterna-Raige must be feeling at the moment. Anyway, Maximum Security Dolt wraps up his expository diatribe by claiming, "If you hadn't sneezed when you did and orbed into the neutral plane, nobody would have ever known." "The neutral plane"? But isn't orbing simply a Whitelighter's method of...oh, fuck it. Raige disagrees with the Dolt's assertion, insisting that Cole altered reality to win back Phoebe. Cole would know whether or not Raige ever existed, and Cole is therefore responsible for her alternate incarnation's death. Does that make any sense? Christ on a stick, but I hate alternate realities. Why couldn't they have done a nice little time-travel episode instead? Maximum Security Dolt offers to assist Raige in any way he can. Raige remarks that while his help is appreciated, she really needs her sisters. "Maybe we can start with two and go from there," Cell Block Piper calls from off-screen. But Raige has only two sisters, Cell Block Piper, so if you started with two, there'd be nowhere else to go. Whatever! I don't care anymore! La-la-la-la-la! Do you hear that? That's me not caring! About the plot holes or the errors in continuity or the gaps in logic or the shoddy dialogue or the hideous clothes or any of it! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Cell Block Piper admits she followed Raige's advice regarding Not Coolio, and she figures that if Raige told the truth about Not Coolio, she might be telling the truth about everything else. Concerned looks all around.

Back at the Manor, Cole shoots pool while Darryl reports on Raige's escape in the arms of the Dolt. Miss Morgan is most displeased. "Your wife, consorting with other witches again?" she icily snits. "I don't like it." Cole has other things on his mind, however, and wonders why Darryl's now working for him. Darryl and D'Eartha exchange a look before Miss Morgan requests a little alone time with the boss. "Are you feeling all right?" she asks once Darryl skulks away. "You wanted to kill the cop, but your wife cast a spell. She wanted to make him useful -- save him." Cole's all, "Oh, right!" but Miss Morgan's not having it. "Any perceived weakness on your part could leave you vulnerable," she reminds him, but her warning falls on deaf ears, for Cole's now watching Prison Bitch Phoebe canoodling with the over-the-hill underwear model on the sun porch. He nearly chokes on his cigar when Prison Bitch Phoebe takes the decaying sex symbol's hand and leads him upstairs to the Bimbo Boudoir. "What are you doing?" D'Eartha hisses when Cole attempts to follow them. "You both have your affairs," she snaps. "That's no secret." Cole's flabbergasted, so Miss Morgan summons a nearby chippie who boobs into Cole's face with K'Amaya's "I'm whoever you want me to be" schtick from last week. Cole pushes her away, insisting that Prison Bitch Phoebe's "the reason [he] went through all of this." "Went through all what?" D'Eartha frostily inquires, but Cole's already scampered off. Not K'Amaya conspiratorially whispers, "I think we should report this." Miss Morgan doesn't reply, but it's clear she's wondering how best to extract herself from what is quickly becoming an unviable alliance with the Colethazor. Wave goodbye to Miss Morgan, kids, because that's the last we'll see of her. Unless her Lifetime series tanks and the crackheaded hacks who write this show figure out a way to drag the character back into the original reality, that is.

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