Charmed Again, Part I

Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 3 USERS: A+
Charmed Again, Part The First

The Source has slithered behind the Smoked Bint, and he threatens to turn her into a snake. She'd probably enjoy that, champ. The Smoked Bint slyly notes that were she a snake, the Source would no longer be able to see into the future. Wouldn't he be able to do that on his own, anyway? You know, being The Source of All Evil and everything? Pardon me while I freshen my cocktail. Long story short, the Bint heard Piper's earlier spell. "I see a witch's call in the spirit winds," she announces, as the camera pans down alarmingly close to the vast expanse of her exposed and artificial left breast. "I see...another," she concludes, and wiggles her fingers over her Ball of Perversion. The shot dives into the Ball of Perversion as a woman screams on the soundtrack. No, I don't mean Stevie Nicks singing. I think it's supposed to be the "witch's call." The camera plows through some clouds to emerge into a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Dissolve to the Coit Tower as seen from the Bay with a few digitally-inserted birds flapping in the foreground. Dissolve again to the Hardest Working Cemetery in Show Business. Though, after having seen a few Buffy reruns in syndication and an entire season of Six Feet Under, I might have to start calling this place the Third-Hardest Working Cemetery in Show Business. The camera pans across the graves to land on the mourners arriving for Prue's service, at that strange non-denominational chapel with the scary statues of the Apostles where the fetus with the crappy wig sucked that one guy's brain out in "Death Takes a Halliwell." Get it? No, really, do you? There's a shot of a random guest's hand clutching a triquatra-emblazoned, um, Mass card, I suppose, and then we get a shot of Piper quietly losing her shit while seated at Big Daddy's side. Big Daddy himself merely looks grim. As the ovary on the soundtrack moans about seeing "a bell, a book, and a candle," we get a shot of Prue's closed coffin, which is unnecessarily elaborate and white. The shot slides to include some granola priestess at the altar with a chalice and a silver cord and three lit white candles, and she's nattering on about "the circle" and "love remaining" and "once again sharing the bread and the wine with our sister" and something about night being like death, and I just want some zombie version of Prue to leap from the coffin and strangle this tedious bitch. Make the joke about how one would tell the difference between Zombie Prue and Regular Prue yourself. "We bid you farewell," Granolina finally concludes, "for you await a new destiny." She winds the cord into the chalice and blows out the candles one by one, which I suppose means something, but damned if I'm going to research Wiccan funeral rites. The shot shifts into slow motion as Granolina puffs out the last candle, then dissolves into Phoebe loudly losing her shit while seated at Cole's side. Piper, meanwhile, has collapsed against the Dolt's chest as silent, shuddering sobs wrack her body. Another dissolving pan reveals Rose towards the back, looking vacant. I mean, "oddly touched by this ceremony for a stranger."

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