Charmed
Charrrmed!

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"Shiver Me Bitches!"

Previously on Charmed, they did some stuff in the season premiere, and they also did some more stuff in last week's episode, but we're apparently meant to forget everything about that episode in between. You know, the hateful one with the bareback nag. And the horse. Of particular importance in this sequence? That bit where Pepper Anderson and Detective Doormat storm up the stairs and barge into the Bridal Boudoir, whereupon the Dolt immediately flings Pepper into a wall. Immediately. Remember that. He immediately flung Pepper into a wall.

Currently on Charrrmed! -- ooops! Spoiler! Not -- the camera fades up on the nighttime facade of Halliwell Manor before heading inside to the nonexistent attic, wherein we find the Dolt looking pensive. Oh, shit. This one's all about the stupid Dolt and his Issues, isn't it? Crap. Piper enters from the upper stairwell and, long story short, urges the Dolt to invite one of his ever-useless brethren down for a social. The Dolt hems and haws and harrumphs and finally admits he's been seeing things. Large, floating, shimmery, Head-like things. That speak to him in creepy voices and tell him to spend nine dollars and fifty cents of his wife's hard-earned money on Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow. God, Gwyneth Paltrow sucks. Piper, pillar of strength and sanity that she is, instructs the Dolt to ignore the spooky manifestations and get cracking on that invitation thing. Because when something that is clearly supernatural threatens you on this show, it's always best to ignore it. Piper turns to leave, and as she does so, the look of calm determination drops from her face to be replaced by one of anxiety-laden doubt tinged with a little bit of fear. Heh. She thinks he's a fucking loon and doesn't want him anywhere near her kids. Hee. The Dolt, naturally, looks conflicted. Or, you know, constipated. Your pick.

Piper barely makes it down the flight of stairs to the second floor before she staggers a bit and gazes up to plead, "Please let him get through this." Who the hell is she talking to? God? God doesn't exist on this show, Piper. Whatever!

Up in the nonexistent attic, meanwhile, the same ever-useless Elder who encouraged the Dolt to sacrifice the Psycho for the greater good orbs in to greet everyone's least favorite Head-spotting nutjob. Oh, this should help matters. In the sense that it won't help matters at all, ever. The two mentally challenged gentlemen exchange uneasy pleasantries before the Dolt too-casually wonders if the ever-useless Elders have a bead on whomever offed Stupid Uncle Phil. Of course, they don't, but Elder Infanticide here vows that they will in due time. "We have to," he adds, likely referring to the unprecedented threat we're all supposed to be worried about but that no one saw fit to include in the "previously" segment. Because this show's smart like that. Remind us of Pepper's face-plant into the wall, and remind us of Raige's stupid new job at Not!warts, and by all means remind us of Slampiece Sparklies's misery-inducing existence on this planet because we so totally care about that douchebag, but the apparent overall story arc for the season? Don't bother with that one. After all, how important could that be? In any event, the Dolt finally gets to the point and admits to Elder Infanticide that, while he understands he can't be allowed back up to Whitelighterland until this Stupid Uncle Phil thing is settled, he'd still like to help out in some way. Elder Infanticide immediately gives the Dolt the skinny on a recent disturbing development. Two Whitelighters have lost track of their witchy charges over the last three nights. The missing gals are "practitioners" only and "not powerful," but their disappearances are the cause of some concern Up There. The Dolt eagerly accepts the assignment on behalf of the Manor Morons, and Elder Infanticide orbs on out of there.

"He LIES, [Dolt]!" Oh, crap. Heady Bizarre immediately squiggles into the nonexistent attic upon Elder Infanticide's exit, and I really need to come up with a nickname I haven't already wasted on squirrelly runts from Not!warts, but all the good gigantic head jokes were used up years ago in the Dawson's Creek reca...hey! So, James Van Der Beek, looking hella rough after a year and a half on the unemployment line -- like, lick it up, dicksmack. Lick. It. Up! -- swoops past the agitated Dolt before reeling around for another pass with "You can't trust him!" As the Beek flies through the air towards the windows, he adds, "You can't trust yourself!" before squiggling out again. The Dolt, considerably freaked by the unexpected appearance of the former teen idol, blunders about the nonexistent room for a bit until we cut to...

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Charmed

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