Charmed
Charrrmed!

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"Shiver Me Bitches!"

With these offerings, I call on Thee,
The Goddess Of Fertility:
Rise now. Show us the truth.
Give us the gift of eternal youth.

The Fountain Of Pock-Marked Plaster Of Paris, which features a nymrod toting an urn, immediately expels a stream of glowing blue liquid into the chalice. The pirates Arrr!, as is their wont. Harrr!ve sucks down about half the liquid in the cup and immediately flares white before morphing into some twentysomething actor who looks absolutely nothing like a young Harrr!ve Presnell, but no one really cares, because he's not sticking around long enough to merit much of our attention. You see, when Piper demands he live up to his end of the bargain by restoring Raige, Not Really Harrr!ve replies by ordering his underlings to off Piper and Phoebe. Phoebe invokes parley, correctly arguing that, as Not Really Harrr!ve has broken a promise, his crew no longer owes him allegiance. The Scurvy Cur knocks Not Really Harrr!ve to the ground and runs him through with a cutlass. That would be the sword, not the discontinued automobile. Not Really Harrr!ve morphs quickly back into Yep It's Really Harrr!ve form before dissolving in a puff of smoke and ash. Scurvy Cur and the other guys hang around long enough to thank Phoebe for freeing them from their particular brand of Hell on earth before they, too, break apart into dust. Harrr!ve's parrot gets in one final squawk before he vanishes as well, and I'm sorry, but if he was a corporealized ghost, too, how did he get to the Manor in broad daylight with no fog? I hate this stupid, assy show. Phoebe snatches up the chalice to deliver its remaining contents to Raige as Piper, noting that they "don't want this happening again," detonates The Fountain Of Pock-Marked Plaster Of Paris with her Hands. Pepper, who'd sneaked up behind them during all of the fun, pulls her service revolver on them and orders them face-down onto the ground. Pleas to the Doormat for assistance go unanswered, but quite suddenly, Pepper goes cross-eyed and drops out of the frame, revealing Kerr Smith, Who Is Still Not Gay In Case You Were Wondering, And In Fact Has Perfect Non-Gay Aim With His Little Dart Gun, in the background. Oh, whatever. "Who are you?" Piper demands. "Someone you owe now," he replies before adding, "Go on, get out of here. You got a sister to save, right?" Piper and Phoebe goggle for a bit before leaving La Cueva Del Booty for good. Once they've gone, Kerr Smith, Not Gay And Loving It!, tucks the dart gun into his waistband and asks of the Doormat, "Think you can give me a hand with her?" The Doormat gapes. "Seriously," Kerr Smith, Who Is Most Strenuously Not Gay, Yet Not Quite Heterosexually Strenuous Enough To Deal With Pepper On His Own, adds. "I think I'm gonna need some help." They bend to haul the still unconscious Pepper to her feet as the screen cross-fades to a brief closing travelogue that eventually takes us back to the Manor.

Up in the Bridal Boudoir, the neglectful Dolt lies unconscious on the bed with a book open on his chest. Tiny Gay Chris writhes beside him atop the comforter while the dead-eyed Psycho stares at them both with murderous intent. We find Piper, still clad in her ridiculous Dieterwear, gazing fondly at the trio from the doorway, as a freshly rejuvenated Raige bounds down the stairs from the attic. There's banter about the aging process before Raige wonders what "that Agent Brody guy" wanted. Piper admits she hasn't a clue before Raige redirects her attention towards the slumbering Dolt. The book's gone from his chest in this shot, but reappears in the next cut over to the bed after Raige mumbles something about the Dolt doing "a good job." Wish I could say the same for the continuity editor. The gals ponder the Dolt's many mysteries for a moment before Raige bids her sister goodnight and heads back up to the attic. No sooner has Raige vanished up the stairs than Elder Infanticide orbs in to take her place. "It's not over yet, you know," he opens. Piper spins around, shocked at the intrusion. "Just don't give up on him, Piper," he continues. "We're all going to need him back before The Gathering Storm." And with that, Elder Infanticide orbs right back out through the ceiling, leaving the violated Piper to very deliberately cross into her bedroom and lock the door behind her.

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Charmed

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