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"Shiver Me Bitches!"

The Heights, you say? Not so much. Brenda actually wakes up to find herself shackled to the wall of some subterranean chamber, in the company of various skeletons, a bit of booty, and one really fugly plaster of Paris fountain. The scurvy cur from the pre-credits sequence darts into the frame to make with the threats and such, and I must admit, he's working a pretty damn good East London accent. "What do you want from me?" Brenda all but spits in his face. "We don't want nuffink," he replies. "'Owevah, our captain would like a word wiv you." With that, he yanks her to her feet as the shot cuts to take in the slumming Harve Presnell, avec parrot, as he rounds a chamber corner with a couple of swashbuckling underlings in tow. Poor Harve. It's a long way down from Fargo to Charmed, especially when you're travelling by way of Dawson's Creek. Someone clearly didn't plan his retirement properly. However, because he's obviously having such a good time overacting the hell out of the dreck they've given him to work with this evening, he'll be getting a free pass from me. It also helps that his given name fits in so nicely with tonight's theme. Brenda takes one look at Harrr!ve's tattered clothing, lank hair, and seamed, scarred face, and mutters, "Oh, my..." "...God?" Harrr!ve finishes for her, and Lord, but it pains me to transcribe this dialogue. "'Fraid not," he continues. "You'll have to settle for Captain Black Jack Cutting." Oy. Ooof. No, you have no idea. I'm burying my face in my hands in empathic shame for the guy as he Aye!s and Arrr!s and Avast!s his way through his shitty lines and his awful character name. Sweet Mother of God. ANY-way, Harrr!ve orders the Scurvy Cur to drag Brenda closer and is then forced to gift us all with the following: "Ah! The stench of witch! I'd recognize it anywhere." Ew. Douche, Brenda. It's called a douche. Oh, this is just dreadful. But like I said, reliable Harrr!ve is plugging the hell out of it, so he's okay by me. "What do you want?" Brenda repeats. "I want you to die," comes the predictable reply, "but not too fast." Harrr!ve retrieves a dagger from a swart associate and wiggles the thing in Brenda's face. "One of your kind cursed me with this a very long time ago," he exposits. "Of course, then I used it to cut her hearrrt out," Harrr!ve rasps. The pirates "Arrr!" at this, as is their wont. Harrr!ve deftly twiddles the blade around in his fingers and slices a shallow line across Brenda's exposed shoulder. Brenda winces before Harrr!ve orders Scurvy Cur to "take her away." Scurvy Cur spouts something about the Glamorous Ladies, but Harrr!ve threatens to toss him in irons for his insolence. "All good things come to those who wait," Harrr!ve growls. Scurvy Cur yanks Brenda out of the frame by her hair. Harrr!ve's parrot squawks. Okay, fine: Hee.

All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me and Sparklies and NOT CARING, DAMMIT! Though I did just realize something. The boyband fucktard is so lousy an actor, and Harrr!ve is so commanding and entertaining a presence by contrast, that the previous scene suddenly seems a whole hell of a lot better than it did when first I watched it, despite the godawful dialogue. We'll all be giving Harrr!ve his props for the rest of the evening, won't we? Meanwhile, back in this pointless subplot, Sparklies has conspired with Elise Rothman, Girl Editor to rig a "Win A Date With Phoebe" contest so that he has an excuse to invite Phoebe to dinner, and good Lord, this is dumb. Phoebe, unaware of the deception, agrees to meet Sparklies that evening at "Maxine's" and I'm still not caring and scene!

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