Charmed
Charrrmed!

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"Shiver Me Bitches!"

The Heights. Raige raps at the door to Brenda's apartment. The wary roommate eventually answers, and she sports lousy highlights and cooter pants. Two strikes against her already, and she hasn't even opened her mouth. Upon learning that Raige is not from the police, the roommate makes to shut the door in her face, but Raige at the last minute blurts, "Is Brenda a witch? Because if she is, I think I can help find her." The roommate, whose name we'll eventually learn is "Carly," invites Raige in to the tiny flat, and if the fact that two twentysomething women are forced to share this shoebox of an apartment in San Francisco isn't enough shocking realism for one night, just wait for what comes next. "[Brenda] wouldn't just not come home," Carly explains, frustrated by the runaround the police have been giving her. "You guys seem pretty close," Raige notes. "Are you sisters? Roommates?" "Partners," comes the reply, and oh, my God. The Gays have finally arrived on Charmed. Of course, they're mall dykes barely out of their teens and thus clearly fantasy fodder for heterosexual males, and Carly here's a little too uncomfortable announcing the truth of her relationship when I'd expect someone in that city to be far more matter-of-fact about it in this day and age, and it gets even worse when Carly insists that the cops aren't taking her seriously because she's all Sapphic and everything and so the police are brushing the incident off as a mere "lover's quarrel" -- like that would ever happen in San Francisco IN 2004 -- but still. Six long seasons and three full episodes into this series' run, and we finally get some actual, honest-to-God dykes. Who would have guessed? Anywho, Raige asks for "something, anything to go off of" to assist in her search for Brenda. Carly quickly retrieves the pre-credits doubloon from her kitchen table and passes it to Raige with an explanation of where and when she found it. "What do you think it means?" Carly asks. Raige wrinkles her brow and concentrates on the thing for a very long time as the camera pulls in for a glamour shot of the trinket in question before the scene cuts back over to...

...the subterranean booty chamber. It's actually a cave, as we note when Raige orbs in adjacent to the entrance, through which wisps of dry-ice fog twist from outside. "Brenda!" Raige hisses, wandering through the vast space past piles of swag. Raige finds Brenda, still shackled, curled in a fetal position on a ledge otherwise populated by skeletons. "Go away," Brenda breathes, weakened no doubt by Harrr!ve's slash at her shoulder. "Hurry!" she pleads. Actually, Brenda, Raige should bend down, grab your wrist, and orb you the fuck out of there, pronto. Unfortunately, Raige is an idiot, and so she just stands there with mouth agape as Harrr!ve and his retinue materialize out of the "fog" at the chamber's mouth in mid-stride. Scurvy Cur and the other underlings draw their swords as Harrr!ve gets this wickedly goofy grin on his face. "Took you long enough, dearrrie," Harrr!ve grunts by way of introduction. "We've been waiting for you." Raige's eyes widen a bit as Harrr!ve's parrot squawks us into the commercial break.

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Charmed

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